trying so hard
but always failing
living alone
ignoring all advice
brushing aside attempts to help
on my own
i can do it
i don't need your help
dying inside
pushing you out
wanted your help
but never accepting it
needing your love
on my own
i can do it
i don't need your help
bury the pain inside
doesn't work that way
it shows in my face
trying to smile
appears as tears
on my own
i can do it
i don't want your help
but i need it
i can't do it alone
i need your love
but i can't accept your control
i want to do it alone
i try to take control
and i kill myself more
save me from the pain
save me from destruction
don't let me die
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
addicted..to myspace?
so for lent this year i'm giving up myspace and facebook.
40 days without something i've never gone more then 12 hours without. except for like camping trips and stuff. but being around computers and not being able to check my myspace or facebook...its so weird.
i've never managed to give up something for the whole 40 days, and i've never even tried to go a day without myspace.
but i didn't think it'd be super hard..i mean, i still have email, right? but i've seriously thought abt updating my facebook status like 5 million times today. i think about what i'm going to do, and figure out how i can make it a status. thats just how i live my life normally. turn everything into a status. but i can't update it for 40 days...gah. its ridiculous how much i fit my life around when i'd be online. and i'm not sure how i'm gunna reach my goal, which was to study and spend time with God when i would normally be on facebook. but i've been on my blog like 5 kijillion times today, using that time i'd normally be on facebook.
its weird. i used to be proud of myself if i went more then 6 hours without checking my myspace. and i'm not really proud of myself right now, even tho its been 24 hours.
=/
pray for me!!!!
40 days without something i've never gone more then 12 hours without. except for like camping trips and stuff. but being around computers and not being able to check my myspace or facebook...its so weird.
i've never managed to give up something for the whole 40 days, and i've never even tried to go a day without myspace.
but i didn't think it'd be super hard..i mean, i still have email, right? but i've seriously thought abt updating my facebook status like 5 million times today. i think about what i'm going to do, and figure out how i can make it a status. thats just how i live my life normally. turn everything into a status. but i can't update it for 40 days...gah. its ridiculous how much i fit my life around when i'd be online. and i'm not sure how i'm gunna reach my goal, which was to study and spend time with God when i would normally be on facebook. but i've been on my blog like 5 kijillion times today, using that time i'd normally be on facebook.
its weird. i used to be proud of myself if i went more then 6 hours without checking my myspace. and i'm not really proud of myself right now, even tho its been 24 hours.
=/
pray for me!!!!
the older brother
i live on a farm with my dad and younger brother. last summer my brother turned 18, and decided to go on an adventure. now, my father doesn't have a lot of money. in fact, we're barely making it. but my dad was going to split his money between me and my brother when he died. but on my brothers birthday, he asked for his share of the money for his adventure. my dad never could say no to him, so half our money went with him.
he went to Vegas, and spent all the money on gambling and whores. he ended up having to get a job delivering pizza, and spent everything he earned on his bills. i'm not sure what happened after that, i'm assuming he got tired of being an "adult", but one day he just showed up back home. my dad insisted on buying him new clothes and threw him a huge party.
while my brother had been spending his money, i'd been doing his work plus my own on the farm. i tried to do as much as possible for my dad, so i never asked for new clothes or anything, and i definitely never asked if i could have a party. i mean, theres no way we had the money for it. we were barely paying the bills. but now that my brother is back from his little adventure, tired of being an adult, having spent half my dads money, and WASTED it, my dad just give him a party!! and does he even let me know? of course not.
i came back from a long day in the field, and all i hear is music coming from the house. there are tons of cars parked outside, and people everywhere talking and laughing. i went up to one of my friends and asked what was going on. he looked at me like i was crazy and yelled over the music " your brothers back, we're having a party!" i didn't know what he was talking about, i though my brother was still in Vegas or wherever. but i looked around, and sure enough, there was my brother, talking and laughing with people. i was pissed. i wanted to kill him!
but i went to my dad instead. he asked why i looked so upset. i explained, and i figured since he was a fairly reasonable man he would realize he should punish my brother for wasting all his money instead of giving him a welcome home party. but instead, this is what he said: "my son, you are always with me, and everything i have is yours. but we had to celebrate and be glad, because this brother of yours was dead and is alive, he was lost and is found."
that confused me for a while, but then i realized what he was trying to say. because i stayed with him instead of going off on my own, i would receive everything in the end. but my brother had run off and lost everything, and when he left it was like he had died. by returning, and my father accepting him back into our family, he was coming back to life. he father completely erased the memories of any wrong he had done, and gave him a fresh start.
he went to Vegas, and spent all the money on gambling and whores. he ended up having to get a job delivering pizza, and spent everything he earned on his bills. i'm not sure what happened after that, i'm assuming he got tired of being an "adult", but one day he just showed up back home. my dad insisted on buying him new clothes and threw him a huge party.
while my brother had been spending his money, i'd been doing his work plus my own on the farm. i tried to do as much as possible for my dad, so i never asked for new clothes or anything, and i definitely never asked if i could have a party. i mean, theres no way we had the money for it. we were barely paying the bills. but now that my brother is back from his little adventure, tired of being an adult, having spent half my dads money, and WASTED it, my dad just give him a party!! and does he even let me know? of course not.
i came back from a long day in the field, and all i hear is music coming from the house. there are tons of cars parked outside, and people everywhere talking and laughing. i went up to one of my friends and asked what was going on. he looked at me like i was crazy and yelled over the music " your brothers back, we're having a party!" i didn't know what he was talking about, i though my brother was still in Vegas or wherever. but i looked around, and sure enough, there was my brother, talking and laughing with people. i was pissed. i wanted to kill him!
but i went to my dad instead. he asked why i looked so upset. i explained, and i figured since he was a fairly reasonable man he would realize he should punish my brother for wasting all his money instead of giving him a welcome home party. but instead, this is what he said: "my son, you are always with me, and everything i have is yours. but we had to celebrate and be glad, because this brother of yours was dead and is alive, he was lost and is found."
that confused me for a while, but then i realized what he was trying to say. because i stayed with him instead of going off on my own, i would receive everything in the end. but my brother had run off and lost everything, and when he left it was like he had died. by returning, and my father accepting him back into our family, he was coming back to life. he father completely erased the memories of any wrong he had done, and gave him a fresh start.
Monday, February 9, 2009
hmm
so i deleted that first post of the andrew story...cuz i didn't feel like continuing it, and its not super important. the important part is that we dated for a little over 2 months, and then he broke up with me, started talkin abt gettin back together like 3 days later, and then stopped talking to me 2 weeks after that. which really screwed me up, cuz i had no clue what was going on. and then after not seeing him or talking to him for almost 3 weeks i think, he randomly started talking to me at school, and then didn't talk to me for a few days, and confused the heck out of me. so i asked him if he actually wanted to be friends. which didn't do much good, cuz his answer wasn't rly an answer to my question. instead of saying yes or no, he said he didn't care and didn't have a problem with it, but he wasn't sure if i could handle it. which i thought was stupid, and i told him i could handle it. and thats pretty much where it ended, so i stil have no clue if he wants to be friends or not. which is ridiculous. it was a simple question, and i'm pretty sure saying he didn't care whether or not we were friends was his way of saying he wasn't going to go out of his way to be nice, but he wasn't going to ignore me either. but iono. still super confused, but still love him....grr
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