It's a cold and it's a broken

Hallelujah?

Naw.

Not this time.

There's not a hallelujah in a place this cold and broken.

It's more like a cold and broken cry.

I really don't know what it is.

Every time I come home, I lose myself.

I feel hopeless, hidden, unknown, unloved, forgotten, unwanted.

And then I go back to school and everything is alright again.

But really, nothing is alright.

I'm searching.

I've been searching a long long time.

What I'm searching for, I don't know exactly.

Answers, maybe.

Answers to what exactly is making me feel this way.

Answers to who or what is the problem.

Answers to how I can fix it.

God.

Love.

Hope.

Faith.

I'm searching for a lot of things, and I don't know how to find them, and part of me refuses to let anyone help.

and it's complicated.

It's complicated and I'm confused and I just want everything to be alright, and it's not.

Maybe it never will be, I don't know.

Here we are again.

In my parents house.

Sleeping under their roof.

(Sometimes) Eating their food.

Driving their cars.

I hate dependence.

I hate depending on my parents for stuff.

Most of all, I hate owing them.

Everything they do for me, they remind me it's a burden for them and that I will need to pay them back at some point.

I hate being a burden.

Thank God I'm only here for less than a week...

And that ends that.

Another portion of my life is gone.

The crew portion.

As some of you know (or most of you, I'm not really sure), I rowed crew last semester. It was a ton of fun, and I was excited for the "real season", spring semester.

Then I realized I only work Saturdays and Sundays, and during the month of april we would have regattas every weekend. So I wouldn't be working for an entire month.

And that would NOT work out well for me.

So Monday I quit the team.

It gives me a lot more free time, the ability to work Thursdays, I can come home for Brie's birthday, I can actually go somewhere for spring break, and I won't be rushing from 4 classes straight to the lake for practice.

I will miss crew...Rowing on the lake, having that team family, motivation to work out, and a reason for my entire family to be proud of me.

But don't be disappointed in me for quitting.

It gives me more time to work on school and get my grades up so I can be a hell of a nurse or psychologist.

And it gives me more time to come home and visit people.

All in all, I think it works out better this way.

Ohh Lordy

You know that awkward conversation when someone you're best friends with asks you if you like them so that it doesn't get awkward because they don't like you?

Totally just happened to me.

Mostly it's just awkward because I did like him for a couple weeks, but that bird has flown far far away.

Crushes are a funny thing.

Sometimes they last months.

I liked a guy in my English class last year for the entire quarter, until he told me he was getting his ex-girlfriend a rose for valentines day. Really? Who gets their ex a rose? I realized he was insane, and the crush was gone.

Other times, they last a day.

Fleeting thoughts of "Oh, that guy is suuuuuper cute! I would love to go on a date with him!" and then you realize he's nothing you want in a guy and you return to normal.

I've had a few crushes since I've been at PLU.

All of them ended with me realizing there was something about the guy that would mean things really wouldn't work out, and I stopped liking the guy.

Same with this last guy.

Liking the guy you're closest to never ends well, unless he feels the same way, and even then, disaster usually occurs.

Take, for example, Christopher Wilson.

That was a BAD ending to a relationship that was actually pretty good. Looking back on it, it's everything I want in a relationship now. Nothing serious, not spending every waking moment with each other, plenty of time to do our own thing.

And now? We never talk. After not seeing me for 2 months he was so sick of me he didn't want me around for NYE. Doesn't make a whole lot of sense, but then again, what does?

So anyways.

I realized I value our friendship a million times more than i like wasting my time liking a guy who definitely doesn't like me. Really, why not just enjoy being best friends for the rest of our lives (or however long we remain friends for) and not worry about stupid stuff like dating? It would end badly and we wouldn't be friends, at least not as close as we are now.

Moral of the story:

Katie is not crushin on anyone right now.

Single and open to hot guys.

Night with the Girls

Well, Girls Night was a HUGE success.

We went a little crazy

And had a lot of fun.

And it was EXACTLY what I needed.

Thank God for these girls =)

Well well well...What have we here?

Sitting in Forza.

Drinking a deliciously creamy white chocolate mocha.

Trying to keep Danielle on track with writing her paper and not making it look like a poster/not checking her phone every 5 seconds/staying off facebook and taking pictures with her webcam.

Listening to Ke$ha radio fail to play songs that sound anything like Ke$ha.

Talking to my sister, who I happen to miss a lot.

Relishing in the fact that I have no homework and no final to study for next week.

Today has gone from feeling like crap at work to enjoying life at school.

I have plans with my girls tonight, drinkin some skittles.

I'll probably watch some HIMYM after this, and then maybe some Bones, and after dinner with Paul-Paul and Megan at PitaPit I have no obligations until Skittle time =)

I'm a happy girl today =)

Yes Please

My little brother called me yesterday morning.

He's 4, I haven't seen him since I moved back into my room after Christmas, and he called me.

It was the most adorable thing, and it was perfect timing.

Everywhere I look I see little kids.

(Well, mostly just on TV...there aren't really any babies on campus)

But it made me miss him.

He's my baby, and not seeing him makes me miss him like crazy.

And the fact that a 4 year old wanted to call me just because he missed me, me, while surrounded by his other siblings, (and there's a lot of them) made my day.

More Midnight Ramblings, At Midnight This Time

Tonight, or rather this morning, I'm content.

The temperature in my room may be ridiculously warm.

I may have an insane craving for cookies.

I definitely want to sleep, but have a weird inability to go to bed before 1/2/3am.

And I really really want someone to cuddle with before I fall asleep.

But I'm content.

As much as I complain about things, I'm pretty happy with where my life is right now.

Sure, academically I'm kind of failing, but that can be fixed.

*I just bought spoons, which somehow means to me that I can take care of myself, and am thus beginning to be a responsible adult.

*I have a job, which I've had for the past year and a half, and although I don't get many hours I get enough to pay my phone bill and buy necessities.

*I'm single, which is exactly where I want to be, and there are guys hitting on me quite a bit (especially creepers at bus stops), which reinforces my belief that I'm pretty damn cute.

*I have a room completely to myself for the next couple weeks.

*And I'm me. I'm not anyone but me. And I don't want to be anyone but me.

I'm perfectly happy being myself.

And while sometimes I wish I had more courage, more self confidence, less this, more that, I actually really like who I am.

Katie + Money + Bad Days = Online Shopping

Which also equals buying SPOONS!

For some reason the other night I really wanted to buy spoons.

Well, not just "some" reason.

A reason.

A very very good reason.

This reason was...

So I could eat my yogurt!

See, I had/have a bunch of yogurt in my fridge from my grocery shopping at midnight expedition last week.

But I forgot that I didn't have any spoons.

And Danielle was gone, so I couldn't borrow her spoons.

So, naturally I went to amazon.

And I found beautiful spoons.

And I bought them.

Now, obviously this didn't help me with eating the yogurt, because they haven't even shipped yet and they're supposed to get here in the next week and a half, but it still helped me feel like I'd accomplished something useful with my money instead of spending it all on clothes.

So of course the next thing I did was buy a pair of jeans.

But, SPOONS.

It's actually an entire 20 pc set of silverware.

I'm pretty freaking excited to get it.

My next important buy will be...a couch/futon.

And I will have begun furnishing my apartment, that I will hopefully have within the next couple years.

My Entire Life Goal

Is a mess.

Failure.

Shattered.

Of course, theres still another opportunity.

And yes, this WAS just the easiest way.

But I'm still upset, and will require the necessary time to recover.

Because of a test I missed last semester in my psychology 101 class, and because my professor refused to allow me to do anything to make it up, I received a C in the class, which is simply not allowed for nursing majors and my conditional early admission to the Nursing Program was rescinded.

And I'm pissed.

Pissed at Kemmer for ruining my first semester of college for me.

Pissed at her for refusing to help me learn, refusing to allow me to do anything to make up the missed credit, but mostly pissed that because of her I have to work my ass off to get back into the program, and even then I might not be able to get in.

The only other major I'm even slightly interested in is Psychology, and with 2 attempts at Psych 101, both resulting in a grade lower than a B, I highly doubt I can even do that.

Honestly, it feels like the love of my life just told me we would never work out, unless I changed everything about me.

That no matter how hard I tried, it still wouldn't work out.

And I don't know what to do right now.

Friends and Acquaintances

I'm an odd person when it comes to friends.

I have a few I call my "best friends", but what I mean by that is they are my closest friends...at the time.

I've gone through quite a few best friends, but there's always someone else there to take the title when it's time for a "best friend" to go.

I call them best friends, because I feel like it shows that they're close to me.

They're the people I care most about.

And the people I hope will always be there.

But there are people who I don't call best friends, and I don't want to lose them either.

I feel like I need a new policy.

Or a new name for my besties.

Because really, one friend is not better then another, and saying "Best Friend" is indeed saying that one friend is the best.

They're more than just acquaintances.

They each have their flaws.

They all drive me insane at times.

But I love them all.

And I don't want to feel like I keep losing friends just because they're no longer my "best friend".

And so ends the streak of new and old best friends.

Brothers, wives, lovers, super close friends.

All will be just that.

No bests.

No ex-bests.

Just, my close friends, that I will always love.

Midnight Ramblings

K, so it's not midnight yet.

But it's close.

I'm only an hour early.

I was talking to a friend earlier.

Well actually it was only a couple minutes ago.

But anyways.

He was talking about his girlfriend. How much he misses her. And how he's going to marry her someday.

And, I was thinking.

Marriage is a HUGE commitment.

I used to say I wanted to get married when I was 23 or 24.

Thats in 5 years.

5 YEARS!

I don't even want a boyfriend right now!!

I don't want that commitment. I don't want the stress of trying to decide when to do homework and when to hang out with my boyfriend.

And I highly doubt I'm going to be ready to get married in 5 years.

But at the same time, I want someone to want to commit to me.

I want someone to love me the way my friend loves his girlfriend.

I want to know that I'm wanted, loved, desired.

(Freaking girly, I know. But still...)

People say "you'll find someone, it just takes time."

I'm EXTREMELY impatient.

I don't like waiting for things.

I just want someone to like me...

End "Heartbroken Rambling"

Thanks for suffering through this with me =)

Oooo Boy

Ever had something happen, something big, and there were only a few people you could tell because everyone else would freak out and quite possibly not talk to you because of it?

Sometimes my life is the most complicated thing in the entire world.

Ok, probably not the entire world.

But at the time it seems like it.

I'm good at adapting.

I love change, and most things don't faze me the way they would other people.

But certain things cause me to freak out and not know how to react. I don't know whether I should be upset, or happy, or any other emotion.

Which just leaves me confused, and confusion is not a state of mind I enjoy.

Leap of faith.

Something I'm horrible at doing.

Trusting that the people you need there will actually be there.

I've found that often they aren't.

At least not in the way you need them. They don't support the way you hoped they would, or they support something you need them to discourage.

And sometimes they aren't there at all.

Sometimes what you did is too much for them, and they leave.