i don't understand life.
i should be happy.
i CAN be happy.
i have a million reasons to be happy.
and i could list a thousand reasons off the top of my head for why i should be happy.
BUT i'm not.
i can give a few reasons for being upset.
but none for this depressedishness that i've been stuck with randomly.
i'm not always like this.
i have months of happiness.
and i have months of nonhappiness.
feeling like theres something wrong with me for not being happy.
for not smiling all the time.
for not being the cheerful always laughing smiling person i was 2 years ago.
but i'm not the same person.
i catch myself sitting around, not smiling, just sitting there. and i wonder, is there a good reason for this? i didn't used to be like this. i laugh. i have fun. i make it thru the day.
but, theres an emptiness in me.
a space longing for something, anything to fill it.
and i don't know what!
i've lost my faith in life.
i don't have time to step back and redefine myself.
i don't have time for anything.
yet i sit here typing my confusion.
i should be doing other things. things that actually matter.
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Monday, May 18, 2009
My God (does he exist?)
I feel dead. not the no emotion can't feel anything kind of dead, but the i hurt so bad i can't be alive kind. where all i want is the past to be the future. no..the future to be what i've lost. i ran away from "god" or peoples version of him, and i have no interest in going back. because i can honestly say my God cannot and will not fit any description. and the god i feel i've run away from is/was not helping me with this pain. this missing something i had for a short time and can't have..or shouldn't have. i feel the same amount of pain now as when i felt like i was trusting God, only now its mixed with confusion. Who is God? Does he exist? i would say he does. and i would say i don't know and will never know who he is. but i would still call myself a christian. maybe because thats how i define myself..i'm not sure. i still believe he made me. i just find it hard to believe he cares about my pain. and can do anything about it. the only safe place i have is my head, and i never get time to think.
but having decided that i've run away from a god who exists and created me, and who i've tried to trust for my whole life, i now feel like i'm missing something.
like i've lost part of my identity. so i have to wonder why i held on to my mothers idea of God for so long...was it because i had nothing else to trust in? because it was part of who i was and i needed it? i don't know. i do know that my God, which i do still believe in, is unlike everyone elses. he made me specifically for him. and i know that he's part of me, he's guiding me, yet i haven't had enough time to figure out what i believe about him, what parts of my growing up lessons by my mother in "knowing Gods mind" (which btw is stupid, she doesn't know his mind and if she actually thinks she does just because she's lived longer then me she's seriously insane) apply to him. because i know somethings don't. and maybe i'm just making this up, to get back the part of me that i lost, i don't know. if thats true, then maybe my God doesn't exist. but something does. and if its not god, then i don't know what it is. and if it is god, i still don't really know what it is, other then that it made me.
i think i've ran out of ways to speak my thoughts that actually make sense, so tell me if i'm going insane and let me know how to fix my brain...
but having decided that i've run away from a god who exists and created me, and who i've tried to trust for my whole life, i now feel like i'm missing something.
like i've lost part of my identity. so i have to wonder why i held on to my mothers idea of God for so long...was it because i had nothing else to trust in? because it was part of who i was and i needed it? i don't know. i do know that my God, which i do still believe in, is unlike everyone elses. he made me specifically for him. and i know that he's part of me, he's guiding me, yet i haven't had enough time to figure out what i believe about him, what parts of my growing up lessons by my mother in "knowing Gods mind" (which btw is stupid, she doesn't know his mind and if she actually thinks she does just because she's lived longer then me she's seriously insane) apply to him. because i know somethings don't. and maybe i'm just making this up, to get back the part of me that i lost, i don't know. if thats true, then maybe my God doesn't exist. but something does. and if its not god, then i don't know what it is. and if it is god, i still don't really know what it is, other then that it made me.
i think i've ran out of ways to speak my thoughts that actually make sense, so tell me if i'm going insane and let me know how to fix my brain...
Friday, May 8, 2009
yay...mono...
my doctor finally called back...my vitamin D levels are normal, so he was going to test my blood for mono, but the lab already threw my blood out. but since he's positive thats what it is, i'm being treated for mono. which means taking huge freaking pills that taste like pepper 3 times a day, and weird drops in water (or tea..it masks the taste better) 3 times a day. and they both make me gag. but i only have to take them for a week, so thats good...but yeah. i hate being sick. HATE it.
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
not what i wanted...
ugh. i hate the things that happen when i get super stressed.
on sunday chris broke up with me.
and i don't blame him, cuz i was stupid.
and i went the longest 2 days of my life without talking to him.
and on tuesday, i kinda talked to him...and basically all that was said was that neither of us is mad at each other, we both still wanna be friends cuz we're besties for life, and he doesn't want a girlfriend.
and it pisses me off how people keep asking me if i'm ok with that.
no i'm not.
well i am. like its waaay better then not being friends.
but honestly? do u think i'm ok with just being friends with a guy i really really like? and who i know really likes me?
i would give anything to go back and do sunday all over again, so i could not say the things i did.
and i've been pretty ok with the whole thing...i don't like it, but i can live with it. but i keep seeing other couples. and its messing with me.
it was the perfect relationship. well not exactly...but we both trust each other, i know i trust him with my life and i have for years.
there wasn't any worrying that he might leave me for someone else, or that he might cheat on me, or anything like that. and there wasn't any long term commitment or any of the stress i've experienced in previous relationships.
and i think thats because we're best friends. and have been for years. he knows everything about me, so there wasn't any fear of rejection.
and now...ugh. i don't know.
i guess i'm just feeling sorry for myself.
on sunday chris broke up with me.
and i don't blame him, cuz i was stupid.
and i went the longest 2 days of my life without talking to him.
and on tuesday, i kinda talked to him...and basically all that was said was that neither of us is mad at each other, we both still wanna be friends cuz we're besties for life, and he doesn't want a girlfriend.
and it pisses me off how people keep asking me if i'm ok with that.
no i'm not.
well i am. like its waaay better then not being friends.
but honestly? do u think i'm ok with just being friends with a guy i really really like? and who i know really likes me?
i would give anything to go back and do sunday all over again, so i could not say the things i did.
and i've been pretty ok with the whole thing...i don't like it, but i can live with it. but i keep seeing other couples. and its messing with me.
it was the perfect relationship. well not exactly...but we both trust each other, i know i trust him with my life and i have for years.
there wasn't any worrying that he might leave me for someone else, or that he might cheat on me, or anything like that. and there wasn't any long term commitment or any of the stress i've experienced in previous relationships.
and i think thats because we're best friends. and have been for years. he knows everything about me, so there wasn't any fear of rejection.
and now...ugh. i don't know.
i guess i'm just feeling sorry for myself.
Saturday, May 2, 2009
best weekend of my life
not!
last nite was just plain shitty. theres no other way to describe it. and today wasn't any better.
i found out last nite that someone extremely close to me has been lying to me for about a month about something that is insanely important to me. and not only that, but they've been lying about other things too.
this on top of feeling like i'm dying. and so that just made the death closer.
my stomach has been killing me since then. and i'm rly dizzy and out of it.
so today, i left the quiz meet early because my team was done quizzing. somewhere close to the ramp from I-5 onto 18 i (we think) blacked out and ran over a curb or hit something. we're not exactly sure. but all i know is the car was fine, and then the steering wheel started freaking out and i pulled over on 18 and called my dad. he came and checked it out, and the left wheel is bent. and i have no idea how it happened. which is what makes us think i blacked out. i don't handle stress like this well. and the last time i was really really stressed i passed out. and i have the same stomach ache as when i passed out before.
i'm really freaked out, cuz if i did pass out i could have hit another car and died.
and yet i'm still here. i don't know whats going on with me.
and i'm scared to death that i actually am dying.
which is silly. i'm not dying. i CAN'T die. and yet not knowing whats happening (and waiting 3 days for your doctor to call and let you know that its just your vitamin D levels and you'll be fine) is horrible.
pray for me.
please.
i'm scared.
last nite was just plain shitty. theres no other way to describe it. and today wasn't any better.
i found out last nite that someone extremely close to me has been lying to me for about a month about something that is insanely important to me. and not only that, but they've been lying about other things too.
this on top of feeling like i'm dying. and so that just made the death closer.
my stomach has been killing me since then. and i'm rly dizzy and out of it.
so today, i left the quiz meet early because my team was done quizzing. somewhere close to the ramp from I-5 onto 18 i (we think) blacked out and ran over a curb or hit something. we're not exactly sure. but all i know is the car was fine, and then the steering wheel started freaking out and i pulled over on 18 and called my dad. he came and checked it out, and the left wheel is bent. and i have no idea how it happened. which is what makes us think i blacked out. i don't handle stress like this well. and the last time i was really really stressed i passed out. and i have the same stomach ache as when i passed out before.
i'm really freaked out, cuz if i did pass out i could have hit another car and died.
and yet i'm still here. i don't know whats going on with me.
and i'm scared to death that i actually am dying.
which is silly. i'm not dying. i CAN'T die. and yet not knowing whats happening (and waiting 3 days for your doctor to call and let you know that its just your vitamin D levels and you'll be fine) is horrible.
pray for me.
please.
i'm scared.
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