Holding On By A Thread

Something about my house...or my mind...is killing me.
I don't know what it is.
But it scares me.
At home, i'm extremely depressed. I can make myself act happy.
But i can't actually be happy.
there are times i can win against whatever it is and actually be happy. but it always comes back worse than before.
its suffocating me. trying to force me to give in, and give up.
its overwhelming me with hopelessness and helplessness.
telling me theres nothing i can do. and that God won't help.
it won't allow me to see the good in anything here.
when i'm not here, i'm almost perfectly fine.
i can be perfectly happy somewhere else, and as soon as i'm home, it goes away and i'm not happy.
and my mom doesn't understand any of this, and if i try to explain she just says i need to do more work.
but i can't.
i have no desire to do anything here.
no will to keep trying.
other then that i know i'll get out of here in a year, and hopefully everything will be ok.
i don't know if it will.
and this thing, it keeps saying it won't ever be ok.
i KNOW i should be trusting God.
i know he's there for me and he loves me.
but i can't see him doing anything.
i can't feel anything and i don't know how to trust.
which makes me feel like a horrible person, for not knowing how to trust.
yes, i know, lots of people have trust issues.
but i should be perfect. i should know how to do everything, because thats what my mom taught me.
everything has to be done better than my best, or its not good enough. and so i have to be better than my best, or im not good enough.
its stupid, i know.
but i can't get rid of it, as long as i'm here. theres no way to make myself better, and so i will never be good enough for God.
or for anyone.
especially for my mom.
i just don't know anymore.
how much longer can i live like this?
how much longer can i hold on to the hope that things will improve someday?
its killing me.
and i don't think i can win.

Teen Suicide...Everyday Life?

K so i wrote a song the other night. now the thing about my songs is, they write themselves. the one i wrote yesterday, i wanted to be happy. but it ended up being really sad, and the last two lines are "but he couldn't think how and she didn't survive, and this is the story of everyday life."
depressing, but i can't change it, cuz its not mine to change. the song wrote itself.
but my dad, he came into my room and asked to see one of the songs i wrote, and my book was open to that one. he read it, and was like wow kate, thats really sad. and i was like uh yeah, i told u it was...but then he said this: its not really everyday life. it doesn't happen very often, its actually very rare. you should change verse and make it happy. seriously?!?! it doesn't happen very often?!?! it happens every single day. i told my dad that, and he said well yeah, but compared to the number of teens its not significant. now pardon my french, but what the hell?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
teen suicide isn't significant?!?!?!?!?! i'm pretty sure its really damn important to the kids families and friends. each teenager is a life. not just a random that doesn't matter. they're a living human being, and teen suicide is a big deal. and yes, it is everyday life. this is important to me.
i don't know what posessed him to say that, but its definitely not true. it really upset me. which i didn't let him see, cause i don't want to have to explain my depression crap to him. it wouldn't do any good and i doubt he'd understand.
but, please understand. teen suicide is people killing themselves. its real. its huge. and it happens every single day. not just once ina while. and the number of teens compared to the number of suicides doesn't matter. because even if its just one in a million, that one matters.

i can't

WRITE!
at all.
like, i can write poems.
but they all say the same thing.
and trying to explain any of it in my journal just seems like a waste of paper.
i don't know whats wrong with me.
i can say that a million different ways in a million different poems, but it doesn't take away the nothingness.
the deadness.
i don't understand how i can be fine for part of the day, and not at all the next. it just doesn't make sense to me.
i WANT to be able to write everything thats goin on.
but i can't. its to much to write.
and it doesn't make sense.
i can't explain it to myself or to anyone else.
so i just wait it out.
wait for the death to leave.
and to be free again.
hoping that it will finally last.
it won't.
it never does.
i honestly don't feel anything right now.
just emptiness,
and i want it to leave.
i just want to be happy.
i want to feel something.
anything.
pain
happiness
love
anything
you could shoot me right now.
and i'd be happy, cuz i'd be feeling something.
i just don't know anymore.

nother new one..i got really bored in class..

Wondering why
She feels alone
Searching for
Love

Wandering through
Life by herself
Struggling to
Breathe

Wishing for
Anothers arms
Hoping to find
Life

In her mind she’s all alone
In her mind no one cares
If she would stop
Look around and see
She’s really not alone
Her Life is in His Hands

new poem..

She sits with her friends
Smiling, laughing
She won’t let them see her pain
She sits in her room
Alone, crying
Wondering whats wrong with her
Her mother abuses her
Her father won’t help
She tries to ignore the emptiness

She feels like an outcast
Sitting alone
Trying to find a friend
Someone who cares
Sharing her fears
Helping her move through the hurt

She writes all the time
Poems, songs
Hoping they show how she feels
But nobody knows how true her words are
Her secrets will always be her secrets
Waiting for the one who understands
Believe her words
She’s fine, she’s happy
Ignore the truth beneath the lies