Something about my house...or my mind...is killing me.
I don't know what it is.
But it scares me.
At home, i'm extremely depressed. I can make myself act happy.
But i can't actually be happy.
there are times i can win against whatever it is and actually be happy. but it always comes back worse than before.
its suffocating me. trying to force me to give in, and give up.
its overwhelming me with hopelessness and helplessness.
telling me theres nothing i can do. and that God won't help.
it won't allow me to see the good in anything here.
when i'm not here, i'm almost perfectly fine.
i can be perfectly happy somewhere else, and as soon as i'm home, it goes away and i'm not happy.
and my mom doesn't understand any of this, and if i try to explain she just says i need to do more work.
but i can't.
i have no desire to do anything here.
no will to keep trying.
other then that i know i'll get out of here in a year, and hopefully everything will be ok.
i don't know if it will.
and this thing, it keeps saying it won't ever be ok.
i KNOW i should be trusting God.
i know he's there for me and he loves me.
but i can't see him doing anything.
i can't feel anything and i don't know how to trust.
which makes me feel like a horrible person, for not knowing how to trust.
yes, i know, lots of people have trust issues.
but i should be perfect. i should know how to do everything, because thats what my mom taught me.
everything has to be done better than my best, or its not good enough. and so i have to be better than my best, or im not good enough.
its stupid, i know.
but i can't get rid of it, as long as i'm here. theres no way to make myself better, and so i will never be good enough for God.
or for anyone.
especially for my mom.
i just don't know anymore.
how much longer can i live like this?
how much longer can i hold on to the hope that things will improve someday?
its killing me.
and i don't think i can win.
I don't know Katie. But I do know the feeling of dying inside and not knowing how to make it any longer. don't forget Philippians 4:8...God shows us what we should think on, like what is TRUE. you're hearing so many lies in your head, and even though they're hard to ignore please remember that that's what they are. NO ONE is good enough for God. But that's how much He loves us...that even though you and I are so inadequate He is never going to give up on either of us. It's really a lot more amazing than it sounds when you think about it. If you want to I would love to chat more about this once we get together! I love you Katie!
ReplyDeleteyou CAN win. cuz you have Jesus. and cuz he's given you all authority. kick the devil out katie. because you can! he's just whispering endless lies in your ears, making time at home hell, just like he wants it to be. i love you girl, and im prayin for you. just dont believe his lies. The enemy is full of crap. seek the truth, the truth WILL set you free. i garuntee <333
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