a girl i know...

there are things i want to say to her. things i want her to know. but some of them are mean. and i feel like i've hurt her enough, other people have hurt her enough, she's hurt herself enough, that i don't need to tell her more things that will hurt her. not because i don't really really want her to know, i just don't like hurting her, no matter how much she hurt me and my friends.
i want to tell her to grow up. stop saying stupid things about people just to make yourself feel better. and stop scaring the crap out of him just because you want him back. do you honestly think he'd take u back just because of that? really? he's explained to you 5 million times that he doesn't want to fix it, that he can't handle the overreacting and freaking out, that its too soon to know if you love each other. and yet you don't understand. you think he's doing this just to hurt you or because he doubts your love. he knows you think you love him. trust me. saying it everyother second is just going to annoy him. its not gunna make him want you back. you need to stop looking to guys for love, and look to God. he will always love you. and until you learn to love him, and love yourself, no guy is going to stay. especially if you keep making that stupid mistake. stop giving everything you have to them, just because you think you love them and it'll make them stay. you make it hard for yourself by giving them everything and yet not believing anything they say, except that they love you. how do they know? how do you know? you injure yourself when you don't make any effort to understand what they're saying and just turn it around to mean whatever you want it to, whatever it is that will get you attention. whatever it is that will allow you to come crying to me. i can't and won't listen anymore. i honestly don't understand why you want me to. when u left me, and refused to talk to me, just because i changed and you "couldn't be friends with a person like me" i thought that was the end. and so i just accepted that you no longer wanted my friendship. but when you needed me because you didn't know who else to turn to, then you come back. and you don't even apologize until the end. you used me. and i let you, because i thought maybe, just maybe, you loved me for me. maybe you would be the person who hadnt grown up with me that could accept me, could let me be myself. but all you wanted was the caring part of me. the part that can't let anyone suffer. no, i don't hate you. but i'm disappointed. i don't understand how you can walk out, and then come back needing help. and wanting me to insult your boyfriend. seriously? when you left, he kept talking to me. he didn't stop being friends with me just because you did. and he hardly knew me! he begged me to put our friendship back together. so i tried. and you refused. and when i finally forgave you for that, you turn around and tell me something about one of my best friends. something that i know is not true. and you say it like a fact, like everyone knows, and then admit that you don't even know its true!!! i don't understand, but i do know that i'm done trying to help you. you turned me away when i needed you. and think that when you need help i'm just gunna come back and be your savior again.

i dunno who would read this whole thing, and thats not even all i want to say. but i'm tired of typing, and i think its way too long anyways.

how do i live?

i feel like i'm suffocating at home. there is no room for me to be myself, because if i am then i'm immediately ridiculed or someone gets mad. i have to be a completely different person at home, and even then i'm not accepted. i thought the point of home was a place where you could be yourself and not worry about people making fun of you or hating you for who you were. but instead, the only people who actually accept me and love me for the real me are my friends. i want out of my house. but i know leaving would kill my dad. and i can't hurt him like that. i almost left last nite, but everythings so complicated. if i leave, i'd be taking the car which is how rose gets to school. if someone came and got me, i'd have no car. i need a job. but if i get a job my moms gunna make me spend the time i'm not working with family. which leaves no time for homework. she's already only giving me the time when i should be sleeping to do homework. i have to watch the kids when i'm not at school so she can sleep. and last nite was so ridiculous. i seriously could not believe what happened. anna decided to be a selfish bitch last nite and tell me to move to a different seat because she didn't want me where i was. and i was like "uh no, u need a better reason then that." and she was like "ur so selfish, no wonder everyone hates you." and i got a lil pissed and i said "well maybe if u'd think about someone other then urself..." and my mom got up and said, "ur such a selfish brat, what do u mean she needs to think about someone other then herself? thats all she does, your the one who only thinks about urself! why don't u move?" and i was like omg u have to be kidding me, she wants me to move just cuz she doesn't want me there. and my mom tried to slap me and i just ran upstairs, she came up to talk and i left the house. and walked. barefoot. came back and left with my dad. and went to sleep when i got home. i don't know how i'm gunna get through living there. my mom told me last nite that if anna gets mad at me its my fault, because she doesn't get mad without being provoked. and of course i'm always trying to make her get mad at me so i can get her in trouble. and arguing with her doesn't do any good because she's been watching it happen for 14 years. and she won't believe that i know what i'm doing and its definitely not trying to make people mad at me. al;sdkfj;aldfjk. i don't understand how she can do this. but i don't care. i have lost any respect i had for my mother. and i dont think i can stay if she does it again. i need to be able to live, not just survive. and home just isn't letting that happen. theres no room to experiment and find out who i am, because if i'm not exactly who my mom thinks i should be then i get yelled at and i'm going to hell. and thats all there is to it.

emo?

so...i wrote a poem last nite. and i didn't put it up cuz its kinda emo-ish. not that the others aren't...i mite put it up later..i just didn't feel like it. but i wrote part of it on my hand, and it says "wishing, hoping, someone cares enough. crying, hurting, reaching out for love" and my friend saw it this morning in school and was like "omg ur emo!!" and i was like no i'm not....but then i realized, i guess i kinda am. at times. almost all my poems are incredibly emo. but...i don't know how to explain it. when i get depressed, i can hide it. i express it in my poems, but thats about it. i try not to let others see it. i don't want to be the girl who's always depressed, or has a ton of problems. but i feel like i'm constantly complaining about something. actually i'm pretty sure i am always complaining. and i joke about it. but it kinda bothers me. its part of my personality, but its part that i want to change...i just don't know how. but i think ima put the poem on here...

screaming
bleeding
hurting herself
pain
anger
holding onto nothing
shame
frustration
never good enough
crying
hurting
reaching out for love
unloved
unwanted
alienated in her house
wishing
hoping
someone cared enough

bum ba da bum bum, bum bum

iii am hyper. and when i get hyper..i get random. and can't type. as well as normal. lol.
i went to see annie tonight, and i was a little disappointed...the white cast can't sing. at all. the only good person was annie, and that was because she was originally from the red cast, which is the good one.
also, i HATE not being on facebook!! what if there was something important i'm missing out on!?
i got invited to jacob browns birthday party, and couldn't get details because i just got the email saying i was invited to the group (i have no clue why he made a group for it). but then i forgot about it. and i'm going with lilli, and so i don't need facebook anyways!
but still. theres the possibility theres something huge happening, and i won't know!! altho it is a good chance to plan a surprise party for me, cuz i won't have any clue :P
i really like surprises. =D
aand i have a ton of pictures i want to put on myspace! and stuff. i suppose i should use the time i'm not on myspace and facebook to work on my math hw...i have like 3 assignments due on monday...and a test...and i don't noe how to do any of it...=D

i had it all figured out....

or i thought i did.
before i say anything else, just let me say that i honestly really really like chris, and theres no way i'm breaking up with him. so don't let that thought enter ur brain. i promise this had no impact on my relationship with chris. none at all. =D

for the past...at least a month, i haven't seen or talked to andrew, except on msn like twice. and both times i was just insanely hyper and needed someone to talk to, and he didn't really talk at all. which didn't bother me, cuz i'm used to him ignoring me. but on tuesday he came to jacobs house before youth group and sat on the porch until i left. completely ignored me and lilli when we said bye. and i was like wow, thats stupid. but whatever.
so then lilli went to the church, and brie and i went to QFC to get cookies. and they were amazing. but anyways. lilli texted me and was like well now that ur not here andrews actually talking to me and being nice...which kinda pissed me off. but again, i didn't expect him to talk to me so it wasn't that big a deal.
but...when i got to the church, i hugged lilli (in a very lesbian way...lmao)
and andrew got up and ran from the room.
which confused everyone. we couldn't decide if he thought i was lez, or if he was jealous.
so last nite he got on msn, and i asked him. turns out my voice really bothers him, and he couldn't stand being in the same room. or something like that. also, he still loves me. i was kinda in shock. i...in a way i feel bad. like i did something wrong. but i know i didn't. and i know after the way he treated me i should be hella pissed. but i'm not.
i understand why he treated me the way he did. why he avoided me. why he doesn't talk to me.

the way he explained it was kinda confusing, and i doubt any of you will understand...but w/e.
basically what he said was this: i "love" physical pain because it clears out emotional strain. but i avoid it like the devil because i know its unhealthy and bad for me.

he also compared me to morphine: it does wonderful things for you when u take it, but too much, or too frequently, and you're dead.

which sounds ridiculously horrible. but it makes sense to me. altho he apparently has no desire for the "morphine" anymore, seeing and hearing me reminded him of times when he did. and i don't remember the word he used, but it basically made me feel like shit. theres no other way to describe it. i know its not my fault. but i feel like i could have prevented all this somehow. i know it hurts him to see me. or apparently hear my voice. i don't understand it. but at least now i know why he was and is such a jerk to me.

confessions of a teenage girl

i absolutely hate the color pink. hate it. i wear it occasionally, if the article of clothing is amazing in some way. but i hate the color.
however, i love hearts. most things with hearts are pink. this is a problem. i don't understand why its pink instead of red. i mean really, the blood in ur heart is red. not pink. and actually some of it is blue. its kinda purpley. speaking of which, why are hearts shaped the way they are? why don't they look like an actual heart? i'm not sure. no clue. but anways.
hearts represent love. another mystery. why not circles? or triangles? everyones heard of love triangles. even chris, who for some reason thinks they involve four people. maybe he doesn't know what a triangle looks like or something. who knows.
but love is one of my favorite topics. really, it is. i've been in love a few times. its never ended well. actually...with jacob, it kinda did, cuz now we're best friends. but thats a really weird story. but the weird thing is, no matter how stupid people are, if they're my friends i love them. and even if they're being ridiculously stupid and ignoring me or something close to it, i don't usually hate them. i get pissed. i actually get pissed pretty easily. but i try to avoid hurting people, because i've been hurt many times and i don't want to subject other people to that. i'd rather drive them insane by being nice. its actually pretty amusing, cuz i know for a fact i was annoying andrew just by being nice to him. it made me laugh several times. annoying isn't really the right word for it...but hopefully u understand what i meant, cuz i can't explain it. but i pretty much love everyone. but since love is one of my favorite things, next to coffee, caffeine, and helping people (all things i love...maybe that makes it my favorite thing?) that means i'm naturally attracted to hearts. and hearts are pink, as i've said before. this causes a problem. not exactly sure what kind of problem, but its a problem. it means i'm attracted to pink things. i prefer red hearts, but a hearts a heart. altho really, they shouldn't be pink in the first place.
another question. why are pink, red, and white all colors that symbolize love? why not green?

marshmallows and skewers....

i should be studying for my psych final. or doing math hw for my pre-calc class that i'm skipping tomorrow for the final. but instead, i'm going to talk about marshmallows. maybe. my brain is quickly losing the idea of marshmallows and sex. i'm not exactly sure how to write it out.
but anyways. we've been talking about love at youth group for the past 3 weeks. tonight we talked about Eros, Phileo, and Agape. eros is like a fire. passionate love that is absolutely necessary for marriage to work. but the fire reminded brian of roasting marshmellows. and so he (i'm not sure how exactly, cuz he didn't actually say it) but he related sex and marshmellows or mallows or however u spell it. it was the funniest thing ever. and i laughed ridiculously hard. the whole night. i'm getting yelled at...so i'll explain better tomorrow. =D

"tomorrow": i'm sooo done with psych for a week and a half..til next quarter...w00t!
anyways. i'm pretty sure unless u live under a rock or are under like 10 yrs old, u get the marshmallow/skewer sex relationship. and considering it was at youth group, u'd think we would get away from the topic rather quickly. or at least like..not talk about it the whole night. but pretty much every chance we got, our youth leader included, we brought up marshmallows or camping. and i seriously couldn't breathe like half the night. its probably not as funny reading about it...but u'll have to take my word for it, it was HILARIOUS!!!!! i never want to eat a marshmallow again. or roast one. or hold a marshmallow skewer. i won't be able to go camping without laughing ridiculously hard....but its sooo freaking funny!

absolutely ridiculously insane. but definitely true.

myspace steals creativity. its true. i've been on it just about everyday for the past 3 years. and i've been without it for...idk 3 weeks? almost 4? no clue. but i've never been this bored. never. when i was on myspace, and complained of extreme boredom, it was nothing compared to this. i've sent over 13,000 txts this month. the most i sent before this was a lil over 10,000. how insane is that? and it hasn't even been a whole month yet. i seriously can't think of anything to do. i could do homework i guess...but thats boring. like everything else. also, i can't think of anything important to blog about. so i'm sitting here writing about how bored i am. weird, huh? oh well. hmm. what to write about...haha.

easter is usually my favorite holiday. definitely is this year, and for a very wrong reason...i get to get on myspace and facebook again. i mean, i still love it for what it means to me, but i'm more excited then normal. is that bad? i love the idea of easter. the fact that Jesus beat death, for me, and for all the horrible things i've done. i feel so free on easter. the rest of the year i tend to lose that feeling, but easter makes everything ok again. at least for a day. but adding the whole myspace/facebook excitement makes it feel wrong. like i'm only looking forward to it for those reasons. definitely not true. idk. i know its part of why i'm looking forward to it. but its not all. this isn't making sense...haha.

that idea kinda died. ima try something else. maybe it'll make more sense...
hypocrites. everyone is one at some point. i'm usually pretty tolerant. which has got me in trouble. not because i was tolerant of a hypocrite...its a different story but i'm being random so i guess i'll explain. the main reason andrew broke up with me, the way i see it, is because he felt we were both changing and losing sight of who we were. i'm perfectly fine with me changing, because i'm still trying to figure out who i am. i'm 16 for goodness sake. theres no need to know exactly who i am and never change. but changing bothered him for some reason. and while i couldnt' see the changes, he apparently found his to be big enough to scare the crap out of him. and he was pretty upset that i let him change and didn't stop it. he also felt i thought i needed to change. definitely not true, but whatever. it bothered me at first, cuz i was like what the eff. i don't need to change. but i don't rly care anymore, cuz i know whats good for myself, and he wasn't it. but anyways. i don't mind other people changing, and i'm not gunna tell them what they can and cannot do. which is why even if i had seen the changes, i wouldn't have said anything unless i thought they were hurting him. which was why he broke up with me. or something. anyways.
back to hypocrites. my mother is the biggest hypocrite i've ever met. which wouldn't be a problem if she'd at least admit it. but no. she won't. i'm a hypocrite. i admit this. everyone is. but if u refuse to admit it, and are always doing or saying something hypocritical, its gunna piss me off. majorly. i'm pretty sure thats my biggest problem with my mom. example: a couple nights ago, at devotions, she talked over my dad (who happens to be in charge of devotions, or so she says) for the first half. not even kidding. she was talking to joshua pretty much the whole time. so then my dad was talking to anna, for like 5 seconds joking about something, and she was explaining some part of the devotions to josh, and she turns to my dad and practically yells "one voice at a time! no two people talking at once!" which definitely pissed me off, and apparently did the same to my dad cuz he actually turned to her and asked if that went for all the time. to which she replied of course. and asked why. and he was like "well are u gunna practice what u preach?" apparently she has never been asked that, cuz she had a really confused look on her face, so me and my dad took turns explaining it to her. and her reply was "i'm human, i'm not perfect" i was like wtf. only i didn't say that out loud...i'd be burned alive. but seriously. does that make any sense?
i think this blog is long enough......haha

when you lie awake at night, do you think of me?

hmm.
i'm not quite sure what i want to write about, because the thoughts aren't really making sense in my head. but, i'm gunna write anyways.
life is full of ups and downs.
thats normal. anyone, no matter how old, has good days and bad days. and even days that are a mix of both.
i do my best to make other peoples bad days better. not sure how well i succeed, but i try. but when it comes to my bad days, the really bad ones, i hide it when i'm around people who know me. but alone, i just sit and think. or try not to think. all the things in my life i hate. the people who have hurt me and don't seem to care, or accept that they actually hurt me. the stupid people who hurt my friends. basically, i think about stupid people, which doesn't rly help my mood. on the only moderately bad days, i can hide it from myself, and just say i need to be happy for other people, and i'm usually ok.
on my good days, its hard to connect with the people who are having not so good days. so if i seem non-sympathetic (not sure what the word really is, but that one works) its just cuz i don't wanna kill my good mood. and i tend to adopt other people emotions, so if your hurt, i hurt.
and i honestly have no idea why i'm writing this. like, i can't even explain my thought process here.
but lately i've been confused by people. stupid people, of course.
and my moms been bugging me. more then usual. which happens every so often.
i've also discovered i like kids. i really do. just not when they never leave me alone to have my own space and time to do my own things. its really annoying.
which is why i will never have kids of my own. never. ever. i do NOT want them. i'll babysit other ppls kids. but i don't have the patience to take care of them 24/7. and by the time they're old enough to leave me alone theyd be in school...so whats the point? besides, i'll have more then enough nieces and nephews...hahaha.
is it a crime to not want my own kids? i don't think so....but my mom and anna would tell me differently.
but what makes them always right, and my opinion always wrong?
oh well.
i guess i'll never know.

turn around

why don't you turn around?
see what your doing to me
look me in the eye and say you don't see pain
its there if you look

why don't you turn around?
stop running away from what you've done
say you believe you'll be free
you can't do it alone

why don't you turn around?
you'll never do it this way
face up to your mistakes
you're not always right

why don't you turn around?
look life in the face
stop staring at death
remember where you are

why don't you turn around?
fix yourself before you fix me
everytime you cut me
you try to heal your pain

why don't you turn around?
you can't run forever
when you realize what you've done
you'll never be free on your own

why don't you turn around?
the pain you cause will haunt you
the scars in my life remind me
you need love to free you

a bunch of random stuff

1) i'm insanely bored right now, which is why i'm making this list
2) my full name is Kathleen Pearl Borden
3) i absolutely hate my middle name most of the time
4) i'm dating my best friend =D
5) his full name is Christopher Robert Wilsen
6) i am exactly 16 years, 9 months, and 9 days old
7) i have 4 brothers and 4 sisters
8) i am married to brie =)
9) i live off caffeine
10) i do not like taking care of kids
11) i have the cutest dog in the world
12) my favorite color is green
13) i go to tahoma high school and green river community college
14) the people closest to me right now are: lilli, brie, chris, jacob, and brandon. oh and allie =D
15) i have been to mexico, florida, and hawaii
16) i've never been to canada
17) i've dated jacob, and 2 of his best friends
18) and he's dating one of my best friends, which should be totally awkward but its not
19) i love movies with lots of violence and blood
20) i can't think without music
21) i am ADD/ADHD =D
22) i'm also bipolar...being hyper and depressed is the weirdest thing ever
23) i take medication for my thyroid that gives me hella bad headaches
24) i'm not the good little christian girl everyone i grew up with thinks i am
25) my fone is permenantly attached to my hand, unless i'm at the computer
26) because of this, i use over 10,000 texts a month
27) i love building forts in hotel rooms with brieboo
28) i listen to almost every genre of music, except country and jazz
29) my mind goes blank when i do lists like this
30) twilight is one of the best books ever!
31) i gave up facebook and myspace for lent, and i've never been so bored!
32) i don't study for my college classes
33) i'm probably going to fail psych because of this
34) i'm definitely not going to fail chem, because i'm pro at guessing stuff like that
35) i hate snow
36) i also hate rain
37) i definitely live on the wrong side of washington
38) i'm going to be a nurse
39) and go to africa to work with kids who have AIDS
40) i have a cd of music for when i'm depressed
41) and the last time i listened to it almost every single song skipped
42) u can guess how much that helped...
43) i have not ever drank alcohol
44) and i will not ever smoke
45) i'm starting to like britney spears
46) but i can't stand miley cyrus
47) i'm supposed to be making dinner right now
48) i hate cooking
49) theres a total of 3 things i enjoy making
50) i absolutely adore the song "only hope" by mandy moore
51) a walk to remember is one of the best movies of all time
52) i have a million different colors in my hair
53) only 2 of them aren't natural
54) my hair has natural blonde highlights u can only see in the sun
55) and its a couple different shades of brown
56) and a couple weeks ago brie put red streaks in
57) 2 days later lilli put different red streaks in
58) i'm always surrounded by people who love me
59) i hate peanut butter
60) i love reeses
61) i hate root beer
62) i love root beer floats
63) i also can't stand the taste of tuna
64) i loooove teriyaki food
65) i'm gunna go make dinner now =D
66) oh, i had 6 shots of espresso today =D

explanation to thinking you know it all...

so...a few people have apparently read my blog, and the one abt chris worried some of them...to explain. i really do like him. i really do want to date him. i no longer see him as a brother. i'm not breaking up with him. i was still freaking out over discovering i liked him when i wrote it, and i was just writing down my thoughts and trying to make sense of everything...but i figured it out and its all good. i'm not taking this relationship any less seriously then any others. but i'm also...idk how to say it without freaking people out. i'm not going to set my future around this relationship. if it fits in my future where God wants it, then great. i would love that. but...i don't want to get all depressed if it doesn't work out. i think it will work out. and i'm trying really hard to be optimistic about it, because being pessimistic jus doesn't work very well. so really all i'm trying to say is...i really like chris, and i'm really glad we're dating.
*shrugs*
oh and the whole physical thing...just meaning i don't want the relationship to be centered around making out and stuff like a couple of my other relationships were. i'm perfectly fine with physical stuff as long as theres other stuff too.
love you guys!

live a life of love

what does it mean to live a life of love?
i've been thinking about that a lot lately...people do things in their life and claim its out of love, but is it really? usually its because they get something out of it. living a life of love is sacrificing what you get. its doing something for other people and not only not expecting something in return, but not accepting payment. i tend to go thru life asking myself, what would i get if i help this person? but thats so wrong. God doesn't say "help others, but only if u get something good out of it." he commands us to help people in need, and not expect anything in return because he will reward us in heaven. the world is so full of selfish people. it really bothers me when people do things for others, like babysitting or cleaning someones house who can't do it themselves, just for the money. and yet i do that! the only reason i babysit is because i get paid for it. i don't enjoy babysitting. hmm...i guess that makes me a hypocrite. =/
but isnt' everyone? is it possible to live a life free of hypocrisy, without ever saying one thing and doing the opposite? i'm not sure. i think...if we believed everything we said, truly believed it, we would never do anything other then that. but we're human. we say what sounds good, whether we believe it or not. we do things for ourselves, and if it benefits others then thats great, but we're not going out of our way to do things for others that don't benefit us, and/or could potentially harm us in some way. i want to live my life serving God. which is the same as serving others selflessly. meaning, i want to think of others before myself, and help them, and trust that God will take care of me.

stand in the rain

standing in the rain
watching you walk away
tasting the tears dripping down my cheeks
feeling the pain in my heart

you look back at me
shaking your head
i know what your thinking
but you don't know my thoughts

you can't tell that i'm crying
the tears mix with the rain
you wonder if i care
you silently scream at me to run after you

but what you don't know
i'm done chasing people
i can't hurt myself like that anymore
i won't run after you

prove to me you still care
prove you love me
make me understand how you feel
cuz i can't do this alone

i won't follow you
so i'll just stand in the rain
crying, trying to laugh
make it seem like i'll be fine

i don't understand how u can walk away
i don't know why you did
but i will be happy without you
because my happiness depends on God

when you think you know it all, think again

since 7th grade i've been best friends with chris wilsen. i've thought of him as my big brother, and whenever anyone said anything about me liking him i protested, because i didn't. and i always said he'd always be my big bro and nothing more. i never wanted to like him, because that'd be weird. i mean seriously. having a crush on the guy u've told everyone is ur brother? not exactly appropriate! but last week...not exactly sure when...i realized i like him. not like a super huge crush. and i'm definitely not falling in love. but i do like him. and then i was informed by multiple sources that he likes me and has since 7th grade. which wasn't rly a surprise, since i think i'm pretty amazing...lots of guys like me. but...he had been telling me he thought of me as his sister. hmm. oh well. he asked me out on saturday nite, and i'm beginning to realize that he likes me way more then i like him. i don't think it'll be a huge problem. but i'm not really treating him any differently then when we were just friends. but the fact that he's liked me for 5 years, and i've liked him for maybe a week...kinda weird. lilli was way more excited then i was when he asked me out. is that right? i'm honestly not sure. my whole mindset about this relationship is different from any other. usually i'm very physical in relationships. but with chris...idk. we hold hands. we've kissed. (and yeah, its been 2 days.) and we've been cuddling for years. but i don't rly want physical in this relationship. and we haven't rly talked about our relationship....meh. it'll work out. i guess...its just really weird. i thought he was the last person in the world i'd like, not because he's unlikable or anything, he was just my brother. hmm...oh well.
our entire 6-group is dating. thats gunna make the most epic triple dates of all time.