Tattoos, Vegetarianism, and College

First order of business: Tattoo time.

On August 20th, I'm getting a tattoo of a butterfly behind my left ear. People keep throwing their opinions at me, like "don't do behind the ear, get it on your foot!" or "you're going to regret getting a butterfly later, its so cliche. try something more unique." And that's all fine, I don't mind other people input. But I'm getting a butterfly because I love butterflies. And yes, it's cliche. Butterflies symbolize changing from a caterpillar to a beautiful butterfly, and I could say for me it's more than that, but I'm not sure it really is. It feels like it, probably because I hate cliches and the idea of having one tattooed on me is slightly horrifying. But I wanted a tattoo that symbolized a new beginning, a new life. Moving out of my parents house, being on my own, living my own life apart from the family and ideals that have been forced on me since I was a baby. I've spent a lot of time trying to decide if I wanted this to be tattooed on me forever, and I don't think I'm going to regret this.

Next up: Vegetarianism.

For the past few years, I've debated becoming a vegetarian. Mostly debated with myself, and always lost the debate because it was too much trouble to actually give up meat. But I'm seriously considering it now...

1) It's a healthier way of living

2) I always feel ridiculously sad for the animals I eat, mostly after I go to the fair and see how adorable they are. I'm sure emotion isn't a good reason for a lifestyle change, but it adds to my reasons.

3) It's a good way to lose weight. Meats, especially red meats, are high in fats, and replacing them with whole foods, fruits, and vegetables is...good.

I'm sure I have other reasons, but lists of my reasonings for things have always been difficult for me to write out, so I'll stick with the top 3.

Last, and not really least: College

I'm leaving in a little over a month. Sure, I'm only going to Parkland, which is a whopping 40 minute drive from my parents house. But I'm going to be completely on my own for the first time. Living in a new place, with people I barely know, finding a new job, no car. Keeping my grades up, because this time it really truly matters. And I'm terrified. I know God is in control, and that He knows how everything's going to work out. But I'm horrible at trusting, and I'm starting to stress out about it. I'm still ridiculously excited to move out, I'm not having second thoughts or anything. I just don't know how anythings going to work out and that scares me. I know people are praying for me though, and that makes me feel better about moving.

The End

Can't find my journal...

So I might as well blog instead.

So. Fucking. Pissed.

I don't know what I was thinking.

People kept saying "you should write your mom a note explaining how you feel, that might help."

And I told them it wouldn't. I knew this would happen. But I got so fed up, I had to write it out. And in a fit of insanity, I gave it to her.

I told her I wanted to have a good mother-daughter relationship. I wanted to be able to talk to her about whats going on in my life. I want her to be able to give me advice without talking to me like I'm 5.

I addressed the note to "mommy" because I thought she liked it when I called her that. And also because I call my dad "daddy" but more on that later. I signed it "katiebaby" because thats how I sign everything.

The ONLY thing she said to me about the note was "Don't you think its ironic that you address it to mommy, sign it katiebaby, and through the entire thing you're complaining about me treating you like a little kid?"
That was all she had to say about it. the only fucking thing she said.

And when I said "no, I don't think its ironic" she asked why. and i said because i call my dad daddy and he doesn't treat me like a little kid. And she looked at me and said, straight faced, "well thats a problem too, and you'll realize that later on in life. I never realized how much advice my dad didn't give me and how much I really needed it."

Definitely did a double take. like...seriously?! I turned to her and said "he gives me plenty of advice and he doesn't treat me like a little kid to do it." and all she said as she left the room was "well we'll see where we get with this study this week."

Apparently i'm doing a study with them from a book called "what about boy-girl friendships?"

But anyways. for some reason i actually thought the note would work. I thought I'd made my point clear. apparently not..

Scared To Death Of Falling

Standing on the edge of the cliff
Looking below to see him
He's standing, staring up at me
To be with him means to jump

But I'm scared to death of falling
Scared he won't want to catch me
Scared I'll be proven wrong once more
And have my heart broken into pieces

I've made the jump before
It's a beautiful moment of free-falling
Believing I'll be caught at the bottom
Only to land alone and broken

And I'm scared to death of falling
Scared he won't want to catch me
Scared I'll be proven wrong once more
And have my heart broken into pieces

Will you promise to catch me if I fall?
Standing there, looking up at me
Waiting for me to trust you completely
Wondering when I'll make the jump

I don't want to be scared of falling
Scared he won't want to catch me
I don't want to be proven wrong this time
My heart will remain whole this time

Sand at the beach

Like sand at the beach

Waves cover me

The water rushes in

I'm scattered, seperated

Traveling around the world

Carried by the ocean

Lost to myself

Found by others

Collected by some

Thrown out by some

Left alone, in pieces

To find myself

Impossible

For others to find me

The real me

To piece me back together

A one-in-a-million chance

No one knows me

I'm forever lost to the waves

Like sand at the beach