old poems..and a journal entry

so i was going thru my journal, reading stuff from like january, and i found some poems i had written and then forgotten about. and some of them r super emo, but i think they convey the emotions i was feeling at the time.

killing my emotion
letting out anger
scarring my skin
pushing away God
bleeding
crying
screaming for help
razor blades
blood and tears
only i can tell
only i will feel the pain
hurting myself
for the sake of myself
letting the pain take over
never giving in
always killing emotion

feel the tears slip down my cheeks
for eternity wondering why
i sit here suffocating under the words
thoughtless people saying thoughtless things
they slide into my stomach and chest
feel them twist like knives
tear me apart, rip out my emotions
i'm left with putting them back
i have to find myself
deep in that hiding place
trying to hide from the pain
never knowing why

hmm. so there were only two..i thought there were more. oh well.
the first one i wrote when i was upset about andrew and that whole situation. and now i look back and wonder why i got so upset...there was no need for me too. it wasn't worth my attention. but theres nothing i can do to change it now...
the second one i wrote...well i'll just put the entry here cuz its a lil complex.

9:59 pm 3-18-09
i'm so glad this quarter is almost over. for some reason i feel like getting a new schedule will somehow make everything better. i'm not sure how tho. but i'm so tired of trying to catch up and falling behind again. i really didn't like my psych prof...hopefully next quarter will be better. i'm so...i don't know. i have no time to figure it out, to step back and examine my life to find out what i should be doing. or maybe i do have time and i just don't want to because i'm scared of what i'll find. i feel like i'm suffocating under everything, and i can't stop it. i don't want to live like this anymore, but i can't change it. its like i'm on some crazy ride i've been stuck on for years, and now i want to actually live my life but i can't get off the ride. and i don't know how long i'm gunna be on this ride. i don't know what i want.

and then i wrote the poem. i'm not sure that i've figured out how to get off the ride yet...but i'm just ignoring the pain of suffocation and dealing with life one day at a time.

doctors are retarded

at least the ones at urgent care are.
disregarding the fact that i've had these same exact symptoms before, only without the pain and without it lasting this long, i was told i have a virus.
at least she told me to talk to my doc about my vit d, cuz i'm taking abnormal amounts and its still dropping...
but really. a virus? maybe so...but it doesn't feel like one.
it feels like i'm dying. and i've had virus's before, they don't feel like this.
and the doc kept asking if i was ok with her just saying i had a virus, or if i was comfortable with it, or if it felt reasonable. and each time she asked i said it didn't feel like a virus but i could live with it. so she would ask again. i swear she asked me like 7 times. it got a lil annoying. lol.
buttt yeah. i should be goin to my doc on monday to find out why my body isn't processing the vitamin d.
also, i'm getting a massage on thursday!!!!! lol

dying...slowly..or not so slowly

i literally feel like i'm dying. or at least close.
i haven't had super bad headaches in a long time. but when i had my last 2 horrible ones, i took excedrin. which has caffeine (which never causes problems) tylenol ( which also never causes problems) and asprin (which i never take). and it always gave me horrible stomach aches.
but this week in lab we made aspirin. i didn't even think about it, but after we made it i was rly tired, and when i got home i took a nap. when i woke up i was ridiculously dizzy, and felt like i was gunna pass out. and i've felt like that ever since. my mom thinks maybe i'm allergic to salicylates (def: A salt or ester of salicylic acid, containing the group C7H5O3.) because thats basically what aspirin is. so since wednesday afternoon i stopped eating foods with salicylates. or as much as i can. they're seriously in everything!! i can have meat, cheese, bananas, eggs ( i think) and a few other things. but anyways.
the dizzyness hasn't stopped. idk how to describe it, cuz dizzyness isn't the right word. but my brain isn't able to concentrate and figure stuf out. i'm making weird mistakes and i can't type. which seems like a small thing, but i've always been able to type. i have to concentrate super hard to make sure i'm saying or typing the right thing. and i feel like if i stand up i'm gunna fall. time is all screwed up, so it feels like i've been typing this forever when really its been like 5 mins. and its scaring me
i don't know whats causing it. its not the extreme change in diet, cuz it started before that. it could be the vitamin d deficiency, but i've been taking a ton of that. its just weird. and doesn't make sense. but i'm gunna call my doc or have my mom call him and see if he has any clue as to whats going on. its seriously freaking me out.

feelings of inadaquacy

yesterday at church pastor jonathan was talking about scars. or at least thats the part i remember. he said they won't go away, we take our scars and pain to heaven with us. God gets to see them and to see how amazingly we endured everything. and i was like uh...crap. because he said God will see the emotional scars and know we relied on him to get us through the pain. and know how brave we were. and....i don't do that. i don't just wait for God to take care of me, because usually it feels like he isn't. or he doesn't care. and so i "take care of it" in my own ways, which is rather unhealthy but i never rly thought about it before. but now i'm thinking....i'm not good enough. he won't see the scars he healed. he'll see the scars i put there myself, or tried to take care of myself. and he'll realize i didn't trust him enough. i wasn't strong enough to wait for him. and maybe thats just me...maybe i'm just interpreting it all wrong. but i can't get those thoughts out of my head

wowssssss

so...for a while i've been needing a job. or wanting a job. or something to that effect.
and i've turned in job applications, but i've never gotten a call back.
til yesterday.
4 hours after i turned in an app, i got an interview.
at kfc, which is kinda lame, but hey its a job.
aaand i had the interview this morning, i think it went ok!!! i won't know if i got the job til they call back. and if they don't call i didn't get the job. but the guy who interviewed me seemed to want me to get the job...so a;lksdjl;aij;alweijr!!! i want the job!!!
i neeeeed money. its essential for buying caffeine. and roadtripping. which i plan on doing this summer. pray they call back!!!