so i was going thru my journal, reading stuff from like january, and i found some poems i had written and then forgotten about. and some of them r super emo, but i think they convey the emotions i was feeling at the time.
killing my emotion
letting out anger
scarring my skin
pushing away God
bleeding
crying
screaming for help
razor blades
blood and tears
only i can tell
only i will feel the pain
hurting myself
for the sake of myself
letting the pain take over
never giving in
always killing emotion
feel the tears slip down my cheeks
for eternity wondering why
i sit here suffocating under the words
thoughtless people saying thoughtless things
they slide into my stomach and chest
feel them twist like knives
tear me apart, rip out my emotions
i'm left with putting them back
i have to find myself
deep in that hiding place
trying to hide from the pain
never knowing why
hmm. so there were only two..i thought there were more. oh well.
the first one i wrote when i was upset about andrew and that whole situation. and now i look back and wonder why i got so upset...there was no need for me too. it wasn't worth my attention. but theres nothing i can do to change it now...
the second one i wrote...well i'll just put the entry here cuz its a lil complex.
9:59 pm 3-18-09
i'm so glad this quarter is almost over. for some reason i feel like getting a new schedule will somehow make everything better. i'm not sure how tho. but i'm so tired of trying to catch up and falling behind again. i really didn't like my psych prof...hopefully next quarter will be better. i'm so...i don't know. i have no time to figure it out, to step back and examine my life to find out what i should be doing. or maybe i do have time and i just don't want to because i'm scared of what i'll find. i feel like i'm suffocating under everything, and i can't stop it. i don't want to live like this anymore, but i can't change it. its like i'm on some crazy ride i've been stuck on for years, and now i want to actually live my life but i can't get off the ride. and i don't know how long i'm gunna be on this ride. i don't know what i want.
and then i wrote the poem. i'm not sure that i've figured out how to get off the ride yet...but i'm just ignoring the pain of suffocation and dealing with life one day at a time.
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