candles and hope

There was a candle

Small

White

It would not light

There was a soul

Scarred

Broken

It had no hope

There was a plea

Crying

Begging

It asked for help

The flame was held to the candle

Burning

Bright

Taken away, the light died…almost

A burst of light

The candle lit

Bright flames

And the soul found hope

The candle went out

With it flickers of hope

The soul returned to its broken state

And was again hopeless

omigosh

Life=Insanity.

not even kidding.

I've been going insane the past few months. school's crazy, i'm freaking out about whether or not i'm actually going to pass my classes with good grades, and i'm trying to get enough hours at work so i have enough money for stuff, while not overworking and not having any time to study.

and i've been doing good. no significantly low points, some points where i was really truly happy. but yesterday, i talked to a friend, and he made me think about things that i've been trying and succeeding to forget. and it hurts. there was a reason i forgot these things. i didn't want to deal with it. but now i have to, and i don't know what to do with myself. i've never been good at dealing with crap like this, i make bad decisions and things just get worse. and i don't know how to talk to people about it, or even who to talk to about it.

also i'm realizing i only blog when life sucks. when things are going ok, theres nothing to write about, cuz life is normal. but when stuff happens and gets me down, i suddenly have this compulsion to complain to the world about how sucky my life is. and its not really that bad, lots of people have it way worse than i do. i guess i do it just to make sure people care. which is weird, cuz i know people care. like, i KNOW they care. but i want people to know i don't have a happy normal life or something. idk why. i hate complaining about stuff, cuz it gets spread everywhere and people talk and its complicated. and yet i blog about it....idk. it doesn't make sense...

What a crazy life...

Well.

School started monday, and I have been busy almost non-stop since then, working and homework and classes and sleep.

and I am exhausted. completely.

mentally.

physically.

and whatever else-ly there is.

i'm hoping i get chances to slow down soon, cuz otherwise ima die....

but really, i don't have much to say...

either because i've been working and doing stuff and my brain is fried, or because nothings happened, and i'm not really sure which it is...lol

A Walk To Remember

It's been my favorite movie since the first time i saw it, 3 years ago.
And i always thought it was just cuz its an amazing love story.
well it probably was.
but thats beside the point.

I watched it again tonight, for like...the 3rd or 4th time.
LOVE it.
But, i realized something while i was watching it.
i always cry when he finds out she has leukemia. and the normal cry-ie parts like that.
but i started bawling when he goes to his dad and asks for help, and his dad says no.
like, tears dripping down my face. theres a huge wet spot on my bed now.

and i figured out why i love this story.
well theres two reasons.
one: they have a love soo perfect. theres no way i can ever have a love like that. and this is a true story. so love like that actually exists. seriously. perfect love.
but thats the reason anyone would love it.
the other reason: (aka two): he was rejected by his dad so many times. i totally understand his position because of everything between me and my mom.
his dad walked away. my mom couldn't take care of me. she stayed, but i raised myself and she knows it.
but anyways.
despite that, he goes to his dad anyways and asks for help (btw, if you haven't seen the movie, goo watch it before you read the rest of this, cuz otherwise you'll hate me) and his dad says no.
kinda. he says it'll be really hard. and landon just walks away, disappointed. because even though he thought thats what his dad would do, he had hope that his dad had changed, just like he had changed.
and then he finds out his dad paid for private care for jamie, and he goes to his dad, and truly loves him again.
and...i lost it. completely.
and i'm seriously about to start crying right now. theres a tear about ready to fall.
because, that part of the story reminds me of my mom and i. and i love her. i don't always agree with her (k, most of the time i don't.) but i keep trying to forgive her, and i keep getting hurt again. and the same thing happened to landon. and yes i would marry him if i could. XD
but, i guess thats why it makes me cry. cuz it means theres hope. hope that someday, we can understand each other and love each other. maybe not now, maybe never. i'm still in the forgive/get hurt cycle.
but who knows.
anyways.
<3

scared to death of everything...

I'm scared of way too many things, and i have no idea what to do. literally. i dunno who to talk to, i dunno if i should, i dunno what i'm doing...

• scared i won't make it into any nursing schools
• scared i won't get accepted into YWAM
• scared i'll end up an old maid because no one can handle me
• scared someone will fall in love with me and i wont noe how to love them back because i'm not whole
• scared i won't be able to survive
• scared my life isn't really my own
• scared i'll lose sight of who i am in a search for myself (i know, i don't make sense)
• scared no one feels the same way
• scared someone will think they know what to do for me and ruin everything
• scared no one knows how to help me
• scared i really do need help
• scared...of the future

i honestly don't know.

anything.

i'm scared that my fear of living in the past is whats causing this, because i refuse to think about it.

it hurts too much to remember.

so i try not to, and maybe thats whats killing me.

then again, i don't think i could survive thinking about the past.

i don't know.

i'm so scared...

Holding On By A Thread

Something about my house...or my mind...is killing me.
I don't know what it is.
But it scares me.
At home, i'm extremely depressed. I can make myself act happy.
But i can't actually be happy.
there are times i can win against whatever it is and actually be happy. but it always comes back worse than before.
its suffocating me. trying to force me to give in, and give up.
its overwhelming me with hopelessness and helplessness.
telling me theres nothing i can do. and that God won't help.
it won't allow me to see the good in anything here.
when i'm not here, i'm almost perfectly fine.
i can be perfectly happy somewhere else, and as soon as i'm home, it goes away and i'm not happy.
and my mom doesn't understand any of this, and if i try to explain she just says i need to do more work.
but i can't.
i have no desire to do anything here.
no will to keep trying.
other then that i know i'll get out of here in a year, and hopefully everything will be ok.
i don't know if it will.
and this thing, it keeps saying it won't ever be ok.
i KNOW i should be trusting God.
i know he's there for me and he loves me.
but i can't see him doing anything.
i can't feel anything and i don't know how to trust.
which makes me feel like a horrible person, for not knowing how to trust.
yes, i know, lots of people have trust issues.
but i should be perfect. i should know how to do everything, because thats what my mom taught me.
everything has to be done better than my best, or its not good enough. and so i have to be better than my best, or im not good enough.
its stupid, i know.
but i can't get rid of it, as long as i'm here. theres no way to make myself better, and so i will never be good enough for God.
or for anyone.
especially for my mom.
i just don't know anymore.
how much longer can i live like this?
how much longer can i hold on to the hope that things will improve someday?
its killing me.
and i don't think i can win.

Teen Suicide...Everyday Life?

K so i wrote a song the other night. now the thing about my songs is, they write themselves. the one i wrote yesterday, i wanted to be happy. but it ended up being really sad, and the last two lines are "but he couldn't think how and she didn't survive, and this is the story of everyday life."
depressing, but i can't change it, cuz its not mine to change. the song wrote itself.
but my dad, he came into my room and asked to see one of the songs i wrote, and my book was open to that one. he read it, and was like wow kate, thats really sad. and i was like uh yeah, i told u it was...but then he said this: its not really everyday life. it doesn't happen very often, its actually very rare. you should change verse and make it happy. seriously?!?! it doesn't happen very often?!?! it happens every single day. i told my dad that, and he said well yeah, but compared to the number of teens its not significant. now pardon my french, but what the hell?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
teen suicide isn't significant?!?!?!?!?! i'm pretty sure its really damn important to the kids families and friends. each teenager is a life. not just a random that doesn't matter. they're a living human being, and teen suicide is a big deal. and yes, it is everyday life. this is important to me.
i don't know what posessed him to say that, but its definitely not true. it really upset me. which i didn't let him see, cause i don't want to have to explain my depression crap to him. it wouldn't do any good and i doubt he'd understand.
but, please understand. teen suicide is people killing themselves. its real. its huge. and it happens every single day. not just once ina while. and the number of teens compared to the number of suicides doesn't matter. because even if its just one in a million, that one matters.

i can't

WRITE!
at all.
like, i can write poems.
but they all say the same thing.
and trying to explain any of it in my journal just seems like a waste of paper.
i don't know whats wrong with me.
i can say that a million different ways in a million different poems, but it doesn't take away the nothingness.
the deadness.
i don't understand how i can be fine for part of the day, and not at all the next. it just doesn't make sense to me.
i WANT to be able to write everything thats goin on.
but i can't. its to much to write.
and it doesn't make sense.
i can't explain it to myself or to anyone else.
so i just wait it out.
wait for the death to leave.
and to be free again.
hoping that it will finally last.
it won't.
it never does.
i honestly don't feel anything right now.
just emptiness,
and i want it to leave.
i just want to be happy.
i want to feel something.
anything.
pain
happiness
love
anything
you could shoot me right now.
and i'd be happy, cuz i'd be feeling something.
i just don't know anymore.

nother new one..i got really bored in class..

Wondering why
She feels alone
Searching for
Love

Wandering through
Life by herself
Struggling to
Breathe

Wishing for
Anothers arms
Hoping to find
Life

In her mind she’s all alone
In her mind no one cares
If she would stop
Look around and see
She’s really not alone
Her Life is in His Hands

new poem..

She sits with her friends
Smiling, laughing
She won’t let them see her pain
She sits in her room
Alone, crying
Wondering whats wrong with her
Her mother abuses her
Her father won’t help
She tries to ignore the emptiness

She feels like an outcast
Sitting alone
Trying to find a friend
Someone who cares
Sharing her fears
Helping her move through the hurt

She writes all the time
Poems, songs
Hoping they show how she feels
But nobody knows how true her words are
Her secrets will always be her secrets
Waiting for the one who understands
Believe her words
She’s fine, she’s happy
Ignore the truth beneath the lies

confused beyond belief

i don't understand life.
i should be happy.
i CAN be happy.
i have a million reasons to be happy.
and i could list a thousand reasons off the top of my head for why i should be happy.
BUT i'm not.
i can give a few reasons for being upset.
but none for this depressedishness that i've been stuck with randomly.
i'm not always like this.
i have months of happiness.
and i have months of nonhappiness.
feeling like theres something wrong with me for not being happy.
for not smiling all the time.
for not being the cheerful always laughing smiling person i was 2 years ago.
but i'm not the same person.
i catch myself sitting around, not smiling, just sitting there. and i wonder, is there a good reason for this? i didn't used to be like this. i laugh. i have fun. i make it thru the day.
but, theres an emptiness in me.
a space longing for something, anything to fill it.
and i don't know what!
i've lost my faith in life.
i don't have time to step back and redefine myself.
i don't have time for anything.
yet i sit here typing my confusion.
i should be doing other things. things that actually matter.

My God (does he exist?)

I feel dead. not the no emotion can't feel anything kind of dead, but the i hurt so bad i can't be alive kind. where all i want is the past to be the future. no..the future to be what i've lost. i ran away from "god" or peoples version of him, and i have no interest in going back. because i can honestly say my God cannot and will not fit any description. and the god i feel i've run away from is/was not helping me with this pain. this missing something i had for a short time and can't have..or shouldn't have. i feel the same amount of pain now as when i felt like i was trusting God, only now its mixed with confusion. Who is God? Does he exist? i would say he does. and i would say i don't know and will never know who he is. but i would still call myself a christian. maybe because thats how i define myself..i'm not sure. i still believe he made me. i just find it hard to believe he cares about my pain. and can do anything about it. the only safe place i have is my head, and i never get time to think.
but having decided that i've run away from a god who exists and created me, and who i've tried to trust for my whole life, i now feel like i'm missing something.
like i've lost part of my identity. so i have to wonder why i held on to my mothers idea of God for so long...was it because i had nothing else to trust in? because it was part of who i was and i needed it? i don't know. i do know that my God, which i do still believe in, is unlike everyone elses. he made me specifically for him. and i know that he's part of me, he's guiding me, yet i haven't had enough time to figure out what i believe about him, what parts of my growing up lessons by my mother in "knowing Gods mind" (which btw is stupid, she doesn't know his mind and if she actually thinks she does just because she's lived longer then me she's seriously insane) apply to him. because i know somethings don't. and maybe i'm just making this up, to get back the part of me that i lost, i don't know. if thats true, then maybe my God doesn't exist. but something does. and if its not god, then i don't know what it is. and if it is god, i still don't really know what it is, other then that it made me.
i think i've ran out of ways to speak my thoughts that actually make sense, so tell me if i'm going insane and let me know how to fix my brain...

yay...mono...

my doctor finally called back...my vitamin D levels are normal, so he was going to test my blood for mono, but the lab already threw my blood out. but since he's positive thats what it is, i'm being treated for mono. which means taking huge freaking pills that taste like pepper 3 times a day, and weird drops in water (or tea..it masks the taste better) 3 times a day. and they both make me gag. but i only have to take them for a week, so thats good...but yeah. i hate being sick. HATE it.

not what i wanted...

ugh. i hate the things that happen when i get super stressed.
on sunday chris broke up with me.
and i don't blame him, cuz i was stupid.
and i went the longest 2 days of my life without talking to him.
and on tuesday, i kinda talked to him...and basically all that was said was that neither of us is mad at each other, we both still wanna be friends cuz we're besties for life, and he doesn't want a girlfriend.
and it pisses me off how people keep asking me if i'm ok with that.
no i'm not.
well i am. like its waaay better then not being friends.
but honestly? do u think i'm ok with just being friends with a guy i really really like? and who i know really likes me?
i would give anything to go back and do sunday all over again, so i could not say the things i did.
and i've been pretty ok with the whole thing...i don't like it, but i can live with it. but i keep seeing other couples. and its messing with me.
it was the perfect relationship. well not exactly...but we both trust each other, i know i trust him with my life and i have for years.
there wasn't any worrying that he might leave me for someone else, or that he might cheat on me, or anything like that. and there wasn't any long term commitment or any of the stress i've experienced in previous relationships.
and i think thats because we're best friends. and have been for years. he knows everything about me, so there wasn't any fear of rejection.
and now...ugh. i don't know.
i guess i'm just feeling sorry for myself.

best weekend of my life

not!
last nite was just plain shitty. theres no other way to describe it. and today wasn't any better.
i found out last nite that someone extremely close to me has been lying to me for about a month about something that is insanely important to me. and not only that, but they've been lying about other things too.
this on top of feeling like i'm dying. and so that just made the death closer.
my stomach has been killing me since then. and i'm rly dizzy and out of it.
so today, i left the quiz meet early because my team was done quizzing. somewhere close to the ramp from I-5 onto 18 i (we think) blacked out and ran over a curb or hit something. we're not exactly sure. but all i know is the car was fine, and then the steering wheel started freaking out and i pulled over on 18 and called my dad. he came and checked it out, and the left wheel is bent. and i have no idea how it happened. which is what makes us think i blacked out. i don't handle stress like this well. and the last time i was really really stressed i passed out. and i have the same stomach ache as when i passed out before.
i'm really freaked out, cuz if i did pass out i could have hit another car and died.
and yet i'm still here. i don't know whats going on with me.
and i'm scared to death that i actually am dying.
which is silly. i'm not dying. i CAN'T die. and yet not knowing whats happening (and waiting 3 days for your doctor to call and let you know that its just your vitamin D levels and you'll be fine) is horrible.
pray for me.
please.
i'm scared.

old poems..and a journal entry

so i was going thru my journal, reading stuff from like january, and i found some poems i had written and then forgotten about. and some of them r super emo, but i think they convey the emotions i was feeling at the time.

killing my emotion
letting out anger
scarring my skin
pushing away God
bleeding
crying
screaming for help
razor blades
blood and tears
only i can tell
only i will feel the pain
hurting myself
for the sake of myself
letting the pain take over
never giving in
always killing emotion

feel the tears slip down my cheeks
for eternity wondering why
i sit here suffocating under the words
thoughtless people saying thoughtless things
they slide into my stomach and chest
feel them twist like knives
tear me apart, rip out my emotions
i'm left with putting them back
i have to find myself
deep in that hiding place
trying to hide from the pain
never knowing why

hmm. so there were only two..i thought there were more. oh well.
the first one i wrote when i was upset about andrew and that whole situation. and now i look back and wonder why i got so upset...there was no need for me too. it wasn't worth my attention. but theres nothing i can do to change it now...
the second one i wrote...well i'll just put the entry here cuz its a lil complex.

9:59 pm 3-18-09
i'm so glad this quarter is almost over. for some reason i feel like getting a new schedule will somehow make everything better. i'm not sure how tho. but i'm so tired of trying to catch up and falling behind again. i really didn't like my psych prof...hopefully next quarter will be better. i'm so...i don't know. i have no time to figure it out, to step back and examine my life to find out what i should be doing. or maybe i do have time and i just don't want to because i'm scared of what i'll find. i feel like i'm suffocating under everything, and i can't stop it. i don't want to live like this anymore, but i can't change it. its like i'm on some crazy ride i've been stuck on for years, and now i want to actually live my life but i can't get off the ride. and i don't know how long i'm gunna be on this ride. i don't know what i want.

and then i wrote the poem. i'm not sure that i've figured out how to get off the ride yet...but i'm just ignoring the pain of suffocation and dealing with life one day at a time.

doctors are retarded

at least the ones at urgent care are.
disregarding the fact that i've had these same exact symptoms before, only without the pain and without it lasting this long, i was told i have a virus.
at least she told me to talk to my doc about my vit d, cuz i'm taking abnormal amounts and its still dropping...
but really. a virus? maybe so...but it doesn't feel like one.
it feels like i'm dying. and i've had virus's before, they don't feel like this.
and the doc kept asking if i was ok with her just saying i had a virus, or if i was comfortable with it, or if it felt reasonable. and each time she asked i said it didn't feel like a virus but i could live with it. so she would ask again. i swear she asked me like 7 times. it got a lil annoying. lol.
buttt yeah. i should be goin to my doc on monday to find out why my body isn't processing the vitamin d.
also, i'm getting a massage on thursday!!!!! lol

dying...slowly..or not so slowly

i literally feel like i'm dying. or at least close.
i haven't had super bad headaches in a long time. but when i had my last 2 horrible ones, i took excedrin. which has caffeine (which never causes problems) tylenol ( which also never causes problems) and asprin (which i never take). and it always gave me horrible stomach aches.
but this week in lab we made aspirin. i didn't even think about it, but after we made it i was rly tired, and when i got home i took a nap. when i woke up i was ridiculously dizzy, and felt like i was gunna pass out. and i've felt like that ever since. my mom thinks maybe i'm allergic to salicylates (def: A salt or ester of salicylic acid, containing the group C7H5O3.) because thats basically what aspirin is. so since wednesday afternoon i stopped eating foods with salicylates. or as much as i can. they're seriously in everything!! i can have meat, cheese, bananas, eggs ( i think) and a few other things. but anyways.
the dizzyness hasn't stopped. idk how to describe it, cuz dizzyness isn't the right word. but my brain isn't able to concentrate and figure stuf out. i'm making weird mistakes and i can't type. which seems like a small thing, but i've always been able to type. i have to concentrate super hard to make sure i'm saying or typing the right thing. and i feel like if i stand up i'm gunna fall. time is all screwed up, so it feels like i've been typing this forever when really its been like 5 mins. and its scaring me
i don't know whats causing it. its not the extreme change in diet, cuz it started before that. it could be the vitamin d deficiency, but i've been taking a ton of that. its just weird. and doesn't make sense. but i'm gunna call my doc or have my mom call him and see if he has any clue as to whats going on. its seriously freaking me out.

feelings of inadaquacy

yesterday at church pastor jonathan was talking about scars. or at least thats the part i remember. he said they won't go away, we take our scars and pain to heaven with us. God gets to see them and to see how amazingly we endured everything. and i was like uh...crap. because he said God will see the emotional scars and know we relied on him to get us through the pain. and know how brave we were. and....i don't do that. i don't just wait for God to take care of me, because usually it feels like he isn't. or he doesn't care. and so i "take care of it" in my own ways, which is rather unhealthy but i never rly thought about it before. but now i'm thinking....i'm not good enough. he won't see the scars he healed. he'll see the scars i put there myself, or tried to take care of myself. and he'll realize i didn't trust him enough. i wasn't strong enough to wait for him. and maybe thats just me...maybe i'm just interpreting it all wrong. but i can't get those thoughts out of my head

wowssssss

so...for a while i've been needing a job. or wanting a job. or something to that effect.
and i've turned in job applications, but i've never gotten a call back.
til yesterday.
4 hours after i turned in an app, i got an interview.
at kfc, which is kinda lame, but hey its a job.
aaand i had the interview this morning, i think it went ok!!! i won't know if i got the job til they call back. and if they don't call i didn't get the job. but the guy who interviewed me seemed to want me to get the job...so a;lksdjl;aij;alweijr!!! i want the job!!!
i neeeeed money. its essential for buying caffeine. and roadtripping. which i plan on doing this summer. pray they call back!!!

a girl i know...

there are things i want to say to her. things i want her to know. but some of them are mean. and i feel like i've hurt her enough, other people have hurt her enough, she's hurt herself enough, that i don't need to tell her more things that will hurt her. not because i don't really really want her to know, i just don't like hurting her, no matter how much she hurt me and my friends.
i want to tell her to grow up. stop saying stupid things about people just to make yourself feel better. and stop scaring the crap out of him just because you want him back. do you honestly think he'd take u back just because of that? really? he's explained to you 5 million times that he doesn't want to fix it, that he can't handle the overreacting and freaking out, that its too soon to know if you love each other. and yet you don't understand. you think he's doing this just to hurt you or because he doubts your love. he knows you think you love him. trust me. saying it everyother second is just going to annoy him. its not gunna make him want you back. you need to stop looking to guys for love, and look to God. he will always love you. and until you learn to love him, and love yourself, no guy is going to stay. especially if you keep making that stupid mistake. stop giving everything you have to them, just because you think you love them and it'll make them stay. you make it hard for yourself by giving them everything and yet not believing anything they say, except that they love you. how do they know? how do you know? you injure yourself when you don't make any effort to understand what they're saying and just turn it around to mean whatever you want it to, whatever it is that will get you attention. whatever it is that will allow you to come crying to me. i can't and won't listen anymore. i honestly don't understand why you want me to. when u left me, and refused to talk to me, just because i changed and you "couldn't be friends with a person like me" i thought that was the end. and so i just accepted that you no longer wanted my friendship. but when you needed me because you didn't know who else to turn to, then you come back. and you don't even apologize until the end. you used me. and i let you, because i thought maybe, just maybe, you loved me for me. maybe you would be the person who hadnt grown up with me that could accept me, could let me be myself. but all you wanted was the caring part of me. the part that can't let anyone suffer. no, i don't hate you. but i'm disappointed. i don't understand how you can walk out, and then come back needing help. and wanting me to insult your boyfriend. seriously? when you left, he kept talking to me. he didn't stop being friends with me just because you did. and he hardly knew me! he begged me to put our friendship back together. so i tried. and you refused. and when i finally forgave you for that, you turn around and tell me something about one of my best friends. something that i know is not true. and you say it like a fact, like everyone knows, and then admit that you don't even know its true!!! i don't understand, but i do know that i'm done trying to help you. you turned me away when i needed you. and think that when you need help i'm just gunna come back and be your savior again.

i dunno who would read this whole thing, and thats not even all i want to say. but i'm tired of typing, and i think its way too long anyways.

how do i live?

i feel like i'm suffocating at home. there is no room for me to be myself, because if i am then i'm immediately ridiculed or someone gets mad. i have to be a completely different person at home, and even then i'm not accepted. i thought the point of home was a place where you could be yourself and not worry about people making fun of you or hating you for who you were. but instead, the only people who actually accept me and love me for the real me are my friends. i want out of my house. but i know leaving would kill my dad. and i can't hurt him like that. i almost left last nite, but everythings so complicated. if i leave, i'd be taking the car which is how rose gets to school. if someone came and got me, i'd have no car. i need a job. but if i get a job my moms gunna make me spend the time i'm not working with family. which leaves no time for homework. she's already only giving me the time when i should be sleeping to do homework. i have to watch the kids when i'm not at school so she can sleep. and last nite was so ridiculous. i seriously could not believe what happened. anna decided to be a selfish bitch last nite and tell me to move to a different seat because she didn't want me where i was. and i was like "uh no, u need a better reason then that." and she was like "ur so selfish, no wonder everyone hates you." and i got a lil pissed and i said "well maybe if u'd think about someone other then urself..." and my mom got up and said, "ur such a selfish brat, what do u mean she needs to think about someone other then herself? thats all she does, your the one who only thinks about urself! why don't u move?" and i was like omg u have to be kidding me, she wants me to move just cuz she doesn't want me there. and my mom tried to slap me and i just ran upstairs, she came up to talk and i left the house. and walked. barefoot. came back and left with my dad. and went to sleep when i got home. i don't know how i'm gunna get through living there. my mom told me last nite that if anna gets mad at me its my fault, because she doesn't get mad without being provoked. and of course i'm always trying to make her get mad at me so i can get her in trouble. and arguing with her doesn't do any good because she's been watching it happen for 14 years. and she won't believe that i know what i'm doing and its definitely not trying to make people mad at me. al;sdkfj;aldfjk. i don't understand how she can do this. but i don't care. i have lost any respect i had for my mother. and i dont think i can stay if she does it again. i need to be able to live, not just survive. and home just isn't letting that happen. theres no room to experiment and find out who i am, because if i'm not exactly who my mom thinks i should be then i get yelled at and i'm going to hell. and thats all there is to it.

emo?

so...i wrote a poem last nite. and i didn't put it up cuz its kinda emo-ish. not that the others aren't...i mite put it up later..i just didn't feel like it. but i wrote part of it on my hand, and it says "wishing, hoping, someone cares enough. crying, hurting, reaching out for love" and my friend saw it this morning in school and was like "omg ur emo!!" and i was like no i'm not....but then i realized, i guess i kinda am. at times. almost all my poems are incredibly emo. but...i don't know how to explain it. when i get depressed, i can hide it. i express it in my poems, but thats about it. i try not to let others see it. i don't want to be the girl who's always depressed, or has a ton of problems. but i feel like i'm constantly complaining about something. actually i'm pretty sure i am always complaining. and i joke about it. but it kinda bothers me. its part of my personality, but its part that i want to change...i just don't know how. but i think ima put the poem on here...

screaming
bleeding
hurting herself
pain
anger
holding onto nothing
shame
frustration
never good enough
crying
hurting
reaching out for love
unloved
unwanted
alienated in her house
wishing
hoping
someone cared enough

bum ba da bum bum, bum bum

iii am hyper. and when i get hyper..i get random. and can't type. as well as normal. lol.
i went to see annie tonight, and i was a little disappointed...the white cast can't sing. at all. the only good person was annie, and that was because she was originally from the red cast, which is the good one.
also, i HATE not being on facebook!! what if there was something important i'm missing out on!?
i got invited to jacob browns birthday party, and couldn't get details because i just got the email saying i was invited to the group (i have no clue why he made a group for it). but then i forgot about it. and i'm going with lilli, and so i don't need facebook anyways!
but still. theres the possibility theres something huge happening, and i won't know!! altho it is a good chance to plan a surprise party for me, cuz i won't have any clue :P
i really like surprises. =D
aand i have a ton of pictures i want to put on myspace! and stuff. i suppose i should use the time i'm not on myspace and facebook to work on my math hw...i have like 3 assignments due on monday...and a test...and i don't noe how to do any of it...=D

i had it all figured out....

or i thought i did.
before i say anything else, just let me say that i honestly really really like chris, and theres no way i'm breaking up with him. so don't let that thought enter ur brain. i promise this had no impact on my relationship with chris. none at all. =D

for the past...at least a month, i haven't seen or talked to andrew, except on msn like twice. and both times i was just insanely hyper and needed someone to talk to, and he didn't really talk at all. which didn't bother me, cuz i'm used to him ignoring me. but on tuesday he came to jacobs house before youth group and sat on the porch until i left. completely ignored me and lilli when we said bye. and i was like wow, thats stupid. but whatever.
so then lilli went to the church, and brie and i went to QFC to get cookies. and they were amazing. but anyways. lilli texted me and was like well now that ur not here andrews actually talking to me and being nice...which kinda pissed me off. but again, i didn't expect him to talk to me so it wasn't that big a deal.
but...when i got to the church, i hugged lilli (in a very lesbian way...lmao)
and andrew got up and ran from the room.
which confused everyone. we couldn't decide if he thought i was lez, or if he was jealous.
so last nite he got on msn, and i asked him. turns out my voice really bothers him, and he couldn't stand being in the same room. or something like that. also, he still loves me. i was kinda in shock. i...in a way i feel bad. like i did something wrong. but i know i didn't. and i know after the way he treated me i should be hella pissed. but i'm not.
i understand why he treated me the way he did. why he avoided me. why he doesn't talk to me.

the way he explained it was kinda confusing, and i doubt any of you will understand...but w/e.
basically what he said was this: i "love" physical pain because it clears out emotional strain. but i avoid it like the devil because i know its unhealthy and bad for me.

he also compared me to morphine: it does wonderful things for you when u take it, but too much, or too frequently, and you're dead.

which sounds ridiculously horrible. but it makes sense to me. altho he apparently has no desire for the "morphine" anymore, seeing and hearing me reminded him of times when he did. and i don't remember the word he used, but it basically made me feel like shit. theres no other way to describe it. i know its not my fault. but i feel like i could have prevented all this somehow. i know it hurts him to see me. or apparently hear my voice. i don't understand it. but at least now i know why he was and is such a jerk to me.

confessions of a teenage girl

i absolutely hate the color pink. hate it. i wear it occasionally, if the article of clothing is amazing in some way. but i hate the color.
however, i love hearts. most things with hearts are pink. this is a problem. i don't understand why its pink instead of red. i mean really, the blood in ur heart is red. not pink. and actually some of it is blue. its kinda purpley. speaking of which, why are hearts shaped the way they are? why don't they look like an actual heart? i'm not sure. no clue. but anways.
hearts represent love. another mystery. why not circles? or triangles? everyones heard of love triangles. even chris, who for some reason thinks they involve four people. maybe he doesn't know what a triangle looks like or something. who knows.
but love is one of my favorite topics. really, it is. i've been in love a few times. its never ended well. actually...with jacob, it kinda did, cuz now we're best friends. but thats a really weird story. but the weird thing is, no matter how stupid people are, if they're my friends i love them. and even if they're being ridiculously stupid and ignoring me or something close to it, i don't usually hate them. i get pissed. i actually get pissed pretty easily. but i try to avoid hurting people, because i've been hurt many times and i don't want to subject other people to that. i'd rather drive them insane by being nice. its actually pretty amusing, cuz i know for a fact i was annoying andrew just by being nice to him. it made me laugh several times. annoying isn't really the right word for it...but hopefully u understand what i meant, cuz i can't explain it. but i pretty much love everyone. but since love is one of my favorite things, next to coffee, caffeine, and helping people (all things i love...maybe that makes it my favorite thing?) that means i'm naturally attracted to hearts. and hearts are pink, as i've said before. this causes a problem. not exactly sure what kind of problem, but its a problem. it means i'm attracted to pink things. i prefer red hearts, but a hearts a heart. altho really, they shouldn't be pink in the first place.
another question. why are pink, red, and white all colors that symbolize love? why not green?

marshmallows and skewers....

i should be studying for my psych final. or doing math hw for my pre-calc class that i'm skipping tomorrow for the final. but instead, i'm going to talk about marshmallows. maybe. my brain is quickly losing the idea of marshmallows and sex. i'm not exactly sure how to write it out.
but anyways. we've been talking about love at youth group for the past 3 weeks. tonight we talked about Eros, Phileo, and Agape. eros is like a fire. passionate love that is absolutely necessary for marriage to work. but the fire reminded brian of roasting marshmellows. and so he (i'm not sure how exactly, cuz he didn't actually say it) but he related sex and marshmellows or mallows or however u spell it. it was the funniest thing ever. and i laughed ridiculously hard. the whole night. i'm getting yelled at...so i'll explain better tomorrow. =D

"tomorrow": i'm sooo done with psych for a week and a half..til next quarter...w00t!
anyways. i'm pretty sure unless u live under a rock or are under like 10 yrs old, u get the marshmallow/skewer sex relationship. and considering it was at youth group, u'd think we would get away from the topic rather quickly. or at least like..not talk about it the whole night. but pretty much every chance we got, our youth leader included, we brought up marshmallows or camping. and i seriously couldn't breathe like half the night. its probably not as funny reading about it...but u'll have to take my word for it, it was HILARIOUS!!!!! i never want to eat a marshmallow again. or roast one. or hold a marshmallow skewer. i won't be able to go camping without laughing ridiculously hard....but its sooo freaking funny!

absolutely ridiculously insane. but definitely true.

myspace steals creativity. its true. i've been on it just about everyday for the past 3 years. and i've been without it for...idk 3 weeks? almost 4? no clue. but i've never been this bored. never. when i was on myspace, and complained of extreme boredom, it was nothing compared to this. i've sent over 13,000 txts this month. the most i sent before this was a lil over 10,000. how insane is that? and it hasn't even been a whole month yet. i seriously can't think of anything to do. i could do homework i guess...but thats boring. like everything else. also, i can't think of anything important to blog about. so i'm sitting here writing about how bored i am. weird, huh? oh well. hmm. what to write about...haha.

easter is usually my favorite holiday. definitely is this year, and for a very wrong reason...i get to get on myspace and facebook again. i mean, i still love it for what it means to me, but i'm more excited then normal. is that bad? i love the idea of easter. the fact that Jesus beat death, for me, and for all the horrible things i've done. i feel so free on easter. the rest of the year i tend to lose that feeling, but easter makes everything ok again. at least for a day. but adding the whole myspace/facebook excitement makes it feel wrong. like i'm only looking forward to it for those reasons. definitely not true. idk. i know its part of why i'm looking forward to it. but its not all. this isn't making sense...haha.

that idea kinda died. ima try something else. maybe it'll make more sense...
hypocrites. everyone is one at some point. i'm usually pretty tolerant. which has got me in trouble. not because i was tolerant of a hypocrite...its a different story but i'm being random so i guess i'll explain. the main reason andrew broke up with me, the way i see it, is because he felt we were both changing and losing sight of who we were. i'm perfectly fine with me changing, because i'm still trying to figure out who i am. i'm 16 for goodness sake. theres no need to know exactly who i am and never change. but changing bothered him for some reason. and while i couldnt' see the changes, he apparently found his to be big enough to scare the crap out of him. and he was pretty upset that i let him change and didn't stop it. he also felt i thought i needed to change. definitely not true, but whatever. it bothered me at first, cuz i was like what the eff. i don't need to change. but i don't rly care anymore, cuz i know whats good for myself, and he wasn't it. but anyways. i don't mind other people changing, and i'm not gunna tell them what they can and cannot do. which is why even if i had seen the changes, i wouldn't have said anything unless i thought they were hurting him. which was why he broke up with me. or something. anyways.
back to hypocrites. my mother is the biggest hypocrite i've ever met. which wouldn't be a problem if she'd at least admit it. but no. she won't. i'm a hypocrite. i admit this. everyone is. but if u refuse to admit it, and are always doing or saying something hypocritical, its gunna piss me off. majorly. i'm pretty sure thats my biggest problem with my mom. example: a couple nights ago, at devotions, she talked over my dad (who happens to be in charge of devotions, or so she says) for the first half. not even kidding. she was talking to joshua pretty much the whole time. so then my dad was talking to anna, for like 5 seconds joking about something, and she was explaining some part of the devotions to josh, and she turns to my dad and practically yells "one voice at a time! no two people talking at once!" which definitely pissed me off, and apparently did the same to my dad cuz he actually turned to her and asked if that went for all the time. to which she replied of course. and asked why. and he was like "well are u gunna practice what u preach?" apparently she has never been asked that, cuz she had a really confused look on her face, so me and my dad took turns explaining it to her. and her reply was "i'm human, i'm not perfect" i was like wtf. only i didn't say that out loud...i'd be burned alive. but seriously. does that make any sense?
i think this blog is long enough......haha

when you lie awake at night, do you think of me?

hmm.
i'm not quite sure what i want to write about, because the thoughts aren't really making sense in my head. but, i'm gunna write anyways.
life is full of ups and downs.
thats normal. anyone, no matter how old, has good days and bad days. and even days that are a mix of both.
i do my best to make other peoples bad days better. not sure how well i succeed, but i try. but when it comes to my bad days, the really bad ones, i hide it when i'm around people who know me. but alone, i just sit and think. or try not to think. all the things in my life i hate. the people who have hurt me and don't seem to care, or accept that they actually hurt me. the stupid people who hurt my friends. basically, i think about stupid people, which doesn't rly help my mood. on the only moderately bad days, i can hide it from myself, and just say i need to be happy for other people, and i'm usually ok.
on my good days, its hard to connect with the people who are having not so good days. so if i seem non-sympathetic (not sure what the word really is, but that one works) its just cuz i don't wanna kill my good mood. and i tend to adopt other people emotions, so if your hurt, i hurt.
and i honestly have no idea why i'm writing this. like, i can't even explain my thought process here.
but lately i've been confused by people. stupid people, of course.
and my moms been bugging me. more then usual. which happens every so often.
i've also discovered i like kids. i really do. just not when they never leave me alone to have my own space and time to do my own things. its really annoying.
which is why i will never have kids of my own. never. ever. i do NOT want them. i'll babysit other ppls kids. but i don't have the patience to take care of them 24/7. and by the time they're old enough to leave me alone theyd be in school...so whats the point? besides, i'll have more then enough nieces and nephews...hahaha.
is it a crime to not want my own kids? i don't think so....but my mom and anna would tell me differently.
but what makes them always right, and my opinion always wrong?
oh well.
i guess i'll never know.

turn around

why don't you turn around?
see what your doing to me
look me in the eye and say you don't see pain
its there if you look

why don't you turn around?
stop running away from what you've done
say you believe you'll be free
you can't do it alone

why don't you turn around?
you'll never do it this way
face up to your mistakes
you're not always right

why don't you turn around?
look life in the face
stop staring at death
remember where you are

why don't you turn around?
fix yourself before you fix me
everytime you cut me
you try to heal your pain

why don't you turn around?
you can't run forever
when you realize what you've done
you'll never be free on your own

why don't you turn around?
the pain you cause will haunt you
the scars in my life remind me
you need love to free you

a bunch of random stuff

1) i'm insanely bored right now, which is why i'm making this list
2) my full name is Kathleen Pearl Borden
3) i absolutely hate my middle name most of the time
4) i'm dating my best friend =D
5) his full name is Christopher Robert Wilsen
6) i am exactly 16 years, 9 months, and 9 days old
7) i have 4 brothers and 4 sisters
8) i am married to brie =)
9) i live off caffeine
10) i do not like taking care of kids
11) i have the cutest dog in the world
12) my favorite color is green
13) i go to tahoma high school and green river community college
14) the people closest to me right now are: lilli, brie, chris, jacob, and brandon. oh and allie =D
15) i have been to mexico, florida, and hawaii
16) i've never been to canada
17) i've dated jacob, and 2 of his best friends
18) and he's dating one of my best friends, which should be totally awkward but its not
19) i love movies with lots of violence and blood
20) i can't think without music
21) i am ADD/ADHD =D
22) i'm also bipolar...being hyper and depressed is the weirdest thing ever
23) i take medication for my thyroid that gives me hella bad headaches
24) i'm not the good little christian girl everyone i grew up with thinks i am
25) my fone is permenantly attached to my hand, unless i'm at the computer
26) because of this, i use over 10,000 texts a month
27) i love building forts in hotel rooms with brieboo
28) i listen to almost every genre of music, except country and jazz
29) my mind goes blank when i do lists like this
30) twilight is one of the best books ever!
31) i gave up facebook and myspace for lent, and i've never been so bored!
32) i don't study for my college classes
33) i'm probably going to fail psych because of this
34) i'm definitely not going to fail chem, because i'm pro at guessing stuff like that
35) i hate snow
36) i also hate rain
37) i definitely live on the wrong side of washington
38) i'm going to be a nurse
39) and go to africa to work with kids who have AIDS
40) i have a cd of music for when i'm depressed
41) and the last time i listened to it almost every single song skipped
42) u can guess how much that helped...
43) i have not ever drank alcohol
44) and i will not ever smoke
45) i'm starting to like britney spears
46) but i can't stand miley cyrus
47) i'm supposed to be making dinner right now
48) i hate cooking
49) theres a total of 3 things i enjoy making
50) i absolutely adore the song "only hope" by mandy moore
51) a walk to remember is one of the best movies of all time
52) i have a million different colors in my hair
53) only 2 of them aren't natural
54) my hair has natural blonde highlights u can only see in the sun
55) and its a couple different shades of brown
56) and a couple weeks ago brie put red streaks in
57) 2 days later lilli put different red streaks in
58) i'm always surrounded by people who love me
59) i hate peanut butter
60) i love reeses
61) i hate root beer
62) i love root beer floats
63) i also can't stand the taste of tuna
64) i loooove teriyaki food
65) i'm gunna go make dinner now =D
66) oh, i had 6 shots of espresso today =D

explanation to thinking you know it all...

so...a few people have apparently read my blog, and the one abt chris worried some of them...to explain. i really do like him. i really do want to date him. i no longer see him as a brother. i'm not breaking up with him. i was still freaking out over discovering i liked him when i wrote it, and i was just writing down my thoughts and trying to make sense of everything...but i figured it out and its all good. i'm not taking this relationship any less seriously then any others. but i'm also...idk how to say it without freaking people out. i'm not going to set my future around this relationship. if it fits in my future where God wants it, then great. i would love that. but...i don't want to get all depressed if it doesn't work out. i think it will work out. and i'm trying really hard to be optimistic about it, because being pessimistic jus doesn't work very well. so really all i'm trying to say is...i really like chris, and i'm really glad we're dating.
*shrugs*
oh and the whole physical thing...just meaning i don't want the relationship to be centered around making out and stuff like a couple of my other relationships were. i'm perfectly fine with physical stuff as long as theres other stuff too.
love you guys!

live a life of love

what does it mean to live a life of love?
i've been thinking about that a lot lately...people do things in their life and claim its out of love, but is it really? usually its because they get something out of it. living a life of love is sacrificing what you get. its doing something for other people and not only not expecting something in return, but not accepting payment. i tend to go thru life asking myself, what would i get if i help this person? but thats so wrong. God doesn't say "help others, but only if u get something good out of it." he commands us to help people in need, and not expect anything in return because he will reward us in heaven. the world is so full of selfish people. it really bothers me when people do things for others, like babysitting or cleaning someones house who can't do it themselves, just for the money. and yet i do that! the only reason i babysit is because i get paid for it. i don't enjoy babysitting. hmm...i guess that makes me a hypocrite. =/
but isnt' everyone? is it possible to live a life free of hypocrisy, without ever saying one thing and doing the opposite? i'm not sure. i think...if we believed everything we said, truly believed it, we would never do anything other then that. but we're human. we say what sounds good, whether we believe it or not. we do things for ourselves, and if it benefits others then thats great, but we're not going out of our way to do things for others that don't benefit us, and/or could potentially harm us in some way. i want to live my life serving God. which is the same as serving others selflessly. meaning, i want to think of others before myself, and help them, and trust that God will take care of me.

stand in the rain

standing in the rain
watching you walk away
tasting the tears dripping down my cheeks
feeling the pain in my heart

you look back at me
shaking your head
i know what your thinking
but you don't know my thoughts

you can't tell that i'm crying
the tears mix with the rain
you wonder if i care
you silently scream at me to run after you

but what you don't know
i'm done chasing people
i can't hurt myself like that anymore
i won't run after you

prove to me you still care
prove you love me
make me understand how you feel
cuz i can't do this alone

i won't follow you
so i'll just stand in the rain
crying, trying to laugh
make it seem like i'll be fine

i don't understand how u can walk away
i don't know why you did
but i will be happy without you
because my happiness depends on God

when you think you know it all, think again

since 7th grade i've been best friends with chris wilsen. i've thought of him as my big brother, and whenever anyone said anything about me liking him i protested, because i didn't. and i always said he'd always be my big bro and nothing more. i never wanted to like him, because that'd be weird. i mean seriously. having a crush on the guy u've told everyone is ur brother? not exactly appropriate! but last week...not exactly sure when...i realized i like him. not like a super huge crush. and i'm definitely not falling in love. but i do like him. and then i was informed by multiple sources that he likes me and has since 7th grade. which wasn't rly a surprise, since i think i'm pretty amazing...lots of guys like me. but...he had been telling me he thought of me as his sister. hmm. oh well. he asked me out on saturday nite, and i'm beginning to realize that he likes me way more then i like him. i don't think it'll be a huge problem. but i'm not really treating him any differently then when we were just friends. but the fact that he's liked me for 5 years, and i've liked him for maybe a week...kinda weird. lilli was way more excited then i was when he asked me out. is that right? i'm honestly not sure. my whole mindset about this relationship is different from any other. usually i'm very physical in relationships. but with chris...idk. we hold hands. we've kissed. (and yeah, its been 2 days.) and we've been cuddling for years. but i don't rly want physical in this relationship. and we haven't rly talked about our relationship....meh. it'll work out. i guess...its just really weird. i thought he was the last person in the world i'd like, not because he's unlikable or anything, he was just my brother. hmm...oh well.
our entire 6-group is dating. thats gunna make the most epic triple dates of all time.

No Help Wanted

trying so hard
but always failing
living alone
ignoring all advice
brushing aside attempts to help

on my own
i can do it
i don't need your help

dying inside
pushing you out
wanted your help
but never accepting it
needing your love

on my own
i can do it
i don't need your help

bury the pain inside
doesn't work that way
it shows in my face
trying to smile
appears as tears

on my own
i can do it
i don't want your help

but i need it
i can't do it alone
i need your love
but i can't accept your control
i want to do it alone
i try to take control
and i kill myself more

save me from the pain
save me from destruction
don't let me die

addicted..to myspace?

so for lent this year i'm giving up myspace and facebook.
40 days without something i've never gone more then 12 hours without. except for like camping trips and stuff. but being around computers and not being able to check my myspace or facebook...its so weird.
i've never managed to give up something for the whole 40 days, and i've never even tried to go a day without myspace.
but i didn't think it'd be super hard..i mean, i still have email, right? but i've seriously thought abt updating my facebook status like 5 million times today. i think about what i'm going to do, and figure out how i can make it a status. thats just how i live my life normally. turn everything into a status. but i can't update it for 40 days...gah. its ridiculous how much i fit my life around when i'd be online. and i'm not sure how i'm gunna reach my goal, which was to study and spend time with God when i would normally be on facebook. but i've been on my blog like 5 kijillion times today, using that time i'd normally be on facebook.
its weird. i used to be proud of myself if i went more then 6 hours without checking my myspace. and i'm not really proud of myself right now, even tho its been 24 hours.
=/
pray for me!!!!

the older brother

i live on a farm with my dad and younger brother. last summer my brother turned 18, and decided to go on an adventure. now, my father doesn't have a lot of money. in fact, we're barely making it. but my dad was going to split his money between me and my brother when he died. but on my brothers birthday, he asked for his share of the money for his adventure. my dad never could say no to him, so half our money went with him.
he went to Vegas, and spent all the money on gambling and whores. he ended up having to get a job delivering pizza, and spent everything he earned on his bills. i'm not sure what happened after that, i'm assuming he got tired of being an "adult", but one day he just showed up back home. my dad insisted on buying him new clothes and threw him a huge party.
while my brother had been spending his money, i'd been doing his work plus my own on the farm. i tried to do as much as possible for my dad, so i never asked for new clothes or anything, and i definitely never asked if i could have a party. i mean, theres no way we had the money for it. we were barely paying the bills. but now that my brother is back from his little adventure, tired of being an adult, having spent half my dads money, and WASTED it, my dad just give him a party!! and does he even let me know? of course not.
i came back from a long day in the field, and all i hear is music coming from the house. there are tons of cars parked outside, and people everywhere talking and laughing. i went up to one of my friends and asked what was going on. he looked at me like i was crazy and yelled over the music " your brothers back, we're having a party!" i didn't know what he was talking about, i though my brother was still in Vegas or wherever. but i looked around, and sure enough, there was my brother, talking and laughing with people. i was pissed. i wanted to kill him!
but i went to my dad instead. he asked why i looked so upset. i explained, and i figured since he was a fairly reasonable man he would realize he should punish my brother for wasting all his money instead of giving him a welcome home party. but instead, this is what he said: "my son, you are always with me, and everything i have is yours. but we had to celebrate and be glad, because this brother of yours was dead and is alive, he was lost and is found."
that confused me for a while, but then i realized what he was trying to say. because i stayed with him instead of going off on my own, i would receive everything in the end. but my brother had run off and lost everything, and when he left it was like he had died. by returning, and my father accepting him back into our family, he was coming back to life. he father completely erased the memories of any wrong he had done, and gave him a fresh start.

hmm

so i deleted that first post of the andrew story...cuz i didn't feel like continuing it, and its not super important. the important part is that we dated for a little over 2 months, and then he broke up with me, started talkin abt gettin back together like 3 days later, and then stopped talking to me 2 weeks after that. which really screwed me up, cuz i had no clue what was going on. and then after not seeing him or talking to him for almost 3 weeks i think, he randomly started talking to me at school, and then didn't talk to me for a few days, and confused the heck out of me. so i asked him if he actually wanted to be friends. which didn't do much good, cuz his answer wasn't rly an answer to my question. instead of saying yes or no, he said he didn't care and didn't have a problem with it, but he wasn't sure if i could handle it. which i thought was stupid, and i told him i could handle it. and thats pretty much where it ended, so i stil have no clue if he wants to be friends or not. which is ridiculous. it was a simple question, and i'm pretty sure saying he didn't care whether or not we were friends was his way of saying he wasn't going to go out of his way to be nice, but he wasn't going to ignore me either. but iono. still super confused, but still love him....grr

your love overcomes

Blue
Ice
Sparkling
Your Eyes

Love
Blood Red
Fulfilling
My Dreams

Humble
Peaceful
Passionate
You Are

Your Love
Complete
Scars
Bleeding
Seperation
Submission

A Cross
A Grave
Your Love Overcame
Death
Resurrection
Your Love Overcomes

Brown
Stained
Dusty
Your Skin

Calming
Restraining
Understanding
Me

Black
Midnight
Forever
My Sin

White
Sun
Infinite
Your Love

A Cross
A Grave
Your Love Overcame
Death
Resurrection
Your Love Overcomes

Black
White
Opposite
Midnight
Sun
Together We Stand

Alone
Disconnected
Without You
I Die

Your Compassion
Mercy
Judgement

Saving Me
For An Eternity
With You

think of you

trying not to think of you
maybe the pain will lessen
but concentrating so hard
only makes it worse

wishing you were with me
but knowing you can't be
missing you next to me
watching you watch me

feeling you hands on mine
tasting your lips on mine
hearing your voice in my ears
seeing my happiness reflected in your eyes

i don't know why i feel for you
all i can say is "why not?"
the love you have for me
is so completely undeserved

i wish that i was perfect
because thats what you deserve
but if i was perfect
how could you show your love?

i don't want you to change
stay the same forever
but whatever changes happen
my love will stay the same

your scent

I breathe
Surrounded
Your scent
Calm
Reminding me
Before
The pain
I smiled
Laughing
Love
Constant
Never doubted
I lived
Moments of pain
Always the joy
Overcoming
Your love
Fulfilled me
Never imagined
It could end
Pure
Complete
It was perfection
Life
Trying
To tear
Me down
From my high
You were my drug
Now
Your scent
Still my drug
I sleep
Content
Dreaming of love
Your friendship
Sustains life
Simply
Mine

lost in your eyes

I am lost
Staring
Deep in your eyes

Like the ocean
Stormy
But beautiful

They hide you
Behind them
Emotions

I don’t know what you think
When you see me
So quiet

You hide your thoughts
Forever silent
In those amazing eyes

I am found
Gazing
Adoring you

Perfectly
Imperfect

And I love you
With every beat of my heart

Your hands
Holding
Tight onto me

Never letting go
Wishing
We could stay forever

Knowing
We can’t
And praying we’ll meet again

Never
Did I imagine
This could happen

Love at first sight
Impossible

But
Soul mates
Deeper connection then ever before

I am completed
Remaining
Whole with you

Incomplete
Without you
Stand beside me

Take my hand
Believing
We can make it through anything