It's a cold and it's a broken

Hallelujah?

Naw.

Not this time.

There's not a hallelujah in a place this cold and broken.

It's more like a cold and broken cry.

I really don't know what it is.

Every time I come home, I lose myself.

I feel hopeless, hidden, unknown, unloved, forgotten, unwanted.

And then I go back to school and everything is alright again.

But really, nothing is alright.

I'm searching.

I've been searching a long long time.

What I'm searching for, I don't know exactly.

Answers, maybe.

Answers to what exactly is making me feel this way.

Answers to who or what is the problem.

Answers to how I can fix it.

God.

Love.

Hope.

Faith.

I'm searching for a lot of things, and I don't know how to find them, and part of me refuses to let anyone help.

and it's complicated.

It's complicated and I'm confused and I just want everything to be alright, and it's not.

Maybe it never will be, I don't know.

Here we are again.

In my parents house.

Sleeping under their roof.

(Sometimes) Eating their food.

Driving their cars.

I hate dependence.

I hate depending on my parents for stuff.

Most of all, I hate owing them.

Everything they do for me, they remind me it's a burden for them and that I will need to pay them back at some point.

I hate being a burden.

Thank God I'm only here for less than a week...

And that ends that.

Another portion of my life is gone.

The crew portion.

As some of you know (or most of you, I'm not really sure), I rowed crew last semester. It was a ton of fun, and I was excited for the "real season", spring semester.

Then I realized I only work Saturdays and Sundays, and during the month of april we would have regattas every weekend. So I wouldn't be working for an entire month.

And that would NOT work out well for me.

So Monday I quit the team.

It gives me a lot more free time, the ability to work Thursdays, I can come home for Brie's birthday, I can actually go somewhere for spring break, and I won't be rushing from 4 classes straight to the lake for practice.

I will miss crew...Rowing on the lake, having that team family, motivation to work out, and a reason for my entire family to be proud of me.

But don't be disappointed in me for quitting.

It gives me more time to work on school and get my grades up so I can be a hell of a nurse or psychologist.

And it gives me more time to come home and visit people.

All in all, I think it works out better this way.

Ohh Lordy

You know that awkward conversation when someone you're best friends with asks you if you like them so that it doesn't get awkward because they don't like you?

Totally just happened to me.

Mostly it's just awkward because I did like him for a couple weeks, but that bird has flown far far away.

Crushes are a funny thing.

Sometimes they last months.

I liked a guy in my English class last year for the entire quarter, until he told me he was getting his ex-girlfriend a rose for valentines day. Really? Who gets their ex a rose? I realized he was insane, and the crush was gone.

Other times, they last a day.

Fleeting thoughts of "Oh, that guy is suuuuuper cute! I would love to go on a date with him!" and then you realize he's nothing you want in a guy and you return to normal.

I've had a few crushes since I've been at PLU.

All of them ended with me realizing there was something about the guy that would mean things really wouldn't work out, and I stopped liking the guy.

Same with this last guy.

Liking the guy you're closest to never ends well, unless he feels the same way, and even then, disaster usually occurs.

Take, for example, Christopher Wilson.

That was a BAD ending to a relationship that was actually pretty good. Looking back on it, it's everything I want in a relationship now. Nothing serious, not spending every waking moment with each other, plenty of time to do our own thing.

And now? We never talk. After not seeing me for 2 months he was so sick of me he didn't want me around for NYE. Doesn't make a whole lot of sense, but then again, what does?

So anyways.

I realized I value our friendship a million times more than i like wasting my time liking a guy who definitely doesn't like me. Really, why not just enjoy being best friends for the rest of our lives (or however long we remain friends for) and not worry about stupid stuff like dating? It would end badly and we wouldn't be friends, at least not as close as we are now.

Moral of the story:

Katie is not crushin on anyone right now.

Single and open to hot guys.

Night with the Girls

Well, Girls Night was a HUGE success.

We went a little crazy

And had a lot of fun.

And it was EXACTLY what I needed.

Thank God for these girls =)

Well well well...What have we here?

Sitting in Forza.

Drinking a deliciously creamy white chocolate mocha.

Trying to keep Danielle on track with writing her paper and not making it look like a poster/not checking her phone every 5 seconds/staying off facebook and taking pictures with her webcam.

Listening to Ke$ha radio fail to play songs that sound anything like Ke$ha.

Talking to my sister, who I happen to miss a lot.

Relishing in the fact that I have no homework and no final to study for next week.

Today has gone from feeling like crap at work to enjoying life at school.

I have plans with my girls tonight, drinkin some skittles.

I'll probably watch some HIMYM after this, and then maybe some Bones, and after dinner with Paul-Paul and Megan at PitaPit I have no obligations until Skittle time =)

I'm a happy girl today =)

Yes Please

My little brother called me yesterday morning.

He's 4, I haven't seen him since I moved back into my room after Christmas, and he called me.

It was the most adorable thing, and it was perfect timing.

Everywhere I look I see little kids.

(Well, mostly just on TV...there aren't really any babies on campus)

But it made me miss him.

He's my baby, and not seeing him makes me miss him like crazy.

And the fact that a 4 year old wanted to call me just because he missed me, me, while surrounded by his other siblings, (and there's a lot of them) made my day.