My God (does he exist?)

I feel dead. not the no emotion can't feel anything kind of dead, but the i hurt so bad i can't be alive kind. where all i want is the past to be the future. no..the future to be what i've lost. i ran away from "god" or peoples version of him, and i have no interest in going back. because i can honestly say my God cannot and will not fit any description. and the god i feel i've run away from is/was not helping me with this pain. this missing something i had for a short time and can't have..or shouldn't have. i feel the same amount of pain now as when i felt like i was trusting God, only now its mixed with confusion. Who is God? Does he exist? i would say he does. and i would say i don't know and will never know who he is. but i would still call myself a christian. maybe because thats how i define myself..i'm not sure. i still believe he made me. i just find it hard to believe he cares about my pain. and can do anything about it. the only safe place i have is my head, and i never get time to think.
but having decided that i've run away from a god who exists and created me, and who i've tried to trust for my whole life, i now feel like i'm missing something.
like i've lost part of my identity. so i have to wonder why i held on to my mothers idea of God for so long...was it because i had nothing else to trust in? because it was part of who i was and i needed it? i don't know. i do know that my God, which i do still believe in, is unlike everyone elses. he made me specifically for him. and i know that he's part of me, he's guiding me, yet i haven't had enough time to figure out what i believe about him, what parts of my growing up lessons by my mother in "knowing Gods mind" (which btw is stupid, she doesn't know his mind and if she actually thinks she does just because she's lived longer then me she's seriously insane) apply to him. because i know somethings don't. and maybe i'm just making this up, to get back the part of me that i lost, i don't know. if thats true, then maybe my God doesn't exist. but something does. and if its not god, then i don't know what it is. and if it is god, i still don't really know what it is, other then that it made me.
i think i've ran out of ways to speak my thoughts that actually make sense, so tell me if i'm going insane and let me know how to fix my brain...