i had it all figured out....

or i thought i did.
before i say anything else, just let me say that i honestly really really like chris, and theres no way i'm breaking up with him. so don't let that thought enter ur brain. i promise this had no impact on my relationship with chris. none at all. =D

for the past...at least a month, i haven't seen or talked to andrew, except on msn like twice. and both times i was just insanely hyper and needed someone to talk to, and he didn't really talk at all. which didn't bother me, cuz i'm used to him ignoring me. but on tuesday he came to jacobs house before youth group and sat on the porch until i left. completely ignored me and lilli when we said bye. and i was like wow, thats stupid. but whatever.
so then lilli went to the church, and brie and i went to QFC to get cookies. and they were amazing. but anyways. lilli texted me and was like well now that ur not here andrews actually talking to me and being nice...which kinda pissed me off. but again, i didn't expect him to talk to me so it wasn't that big a deal.
but...when i got to the church, i hugged lilli (in a very lesbian way...lmao)
and andrew got up and ran from the room.
which confused everyone. we couldn't decide if he thought i was lez, or if he was jealous.
so last nite he got on msn, and i asked him. turns out my voice really bothers him, and he couldn't stand being in the same room. or something like that. also, he still loves me. i was kinda in shock. i...in a way i feel bad. like i did something wrong. but i know i didn't. and i know after the way he treated me i should be hella pissed. but i'm not.
i understand why he treated me the way he did. why he avoided me. why he doesn't talk to me.

the way he explained it was kinda confusing, and i doubt any of you will understand...but w/e.
basically what he said was this: i "love" physical pain because it clears out emotional strain. but i avoid it like the devil because i know its unhealthy and bad for me.

he also compared me to morphine: it does wonderful things for you when u take it, but too much, or too frequently, and you're dead.

which sounds ridiculously horrible. but it makes sense to me. altho he apparently has no desire for the "morphine" anymore, seeing and hearing me reminded him of times when he did. and i don't remember the word he used, but it basically made me feel like shit. theres no other way to describe it. i know its not my fault. but i feel like i could have prevented all this somehow. i know it hurts him to see me. or apparently hear my voice. i don't understand it. but at least now i know why he was and is such a jerk to me.